Check it. Goodbye.
03.29.05 (11:12 am) [edit]Alrighty, I am leaving tBlog. Don't think I'll be posting here anymore...unless its to post an update about my NEW BLOG. Yup, I want complete control over my blog...and I want it for free. So, if you are interested in checking out my NEW BLOG, go for it. Thats where all my new posts are going to go.
Sorry about this, but if you are interested in reading me...you still can, just not on tBlog. Good bye.
Update your links.
Something in progress...
03.28.05 (6:27 pm) [edit]He stood outside smoking a cigarette musing over what she had said earlier, he didn't remember what it was, only that it made him smile. It had been years since he last smiled, it was a secret the world had kept from him. As he brought the cigarette to his mouth for another drag, he found himself missing her.
It was strange for him to miss anyone. He questioned himself over and over for feeling such a thing. It almost made him uncomfortable, but it also made him happy. He shrugged it off, finished his cigarette, and stepped back inside.
home
03.27.05 (10:36 pm) [edit]a lingering thought crossed her lips
she smiled her secrets away
and chased mine from the grave,
but my eyes were closed
as i was drifting in the stars
that i swear i once called home...
recognition
03.27.05 (11:28 am) [edit]With all the Easter posts, I do not think I shall write one. I actually do not believe it is an important holiday and it especially cannot be identified as a Christian holiday seeing as how it is just one of many stolen holidays. I should not have posted on St. Pat's day either, but I found that leaving jokes for people to muse over was a good idea. Plus, it was my friend Lonnie's b-day - just a side note. St. Pat's does not have a very nice history behind it - seeing as how many innocent people were slain in the name of Catholicism. Anyway, I'm going to move on to something that I started thinking about after a phone conversation.
Recognition and humanity. How are these two innertwined and what do they mean? Not only had I started thinking about this after the phone call, but before hand as I had read a post from Lisa about it. People go through their lives searching to be recognized - whether they realize it or not. Maybe they don't search for it, but it is desired. Afterall, without the recognition, there could be no humanity. Life is about personality and the search for Self. Within this search we go through many personality alterations as we change day-to-day.
I remember when I was younger worrying about what other people thought of me, but I realized with growth that I could never find my Self if I were paying too much attention to what others thought of me. When I realized that people were too caught up in their own lives to have much of an opinion about me, I thought maybe I should be doing that as well. However, I also realized over time that it is not good to concentrate too much on ones Self because there are certain aspects of life that you will be unfamiliar with - such as individualism within humanity. This is something that everyone should recognize as it not only makes us who we are, it is the core of humanity. One can be recognized by merely existing, but then people would be left with the one-sided opinion of one and other such as 'hate' or 'like'.
Some people may not strive for recognition, but they still desire it as if too make sure they are not just another face in the crowd. When you look at it like that, we are all merely faces in the crowd, but we don't have to be. Stop and say hello to a stranger some time, you'll find out how easy it is and how happy you and them will be afterwards. Some people walk through the streets trying their hardest not to make any contact with strangers at all. This is mostly because of the issues of trust they find themselves struggling with. If we could only recognize how important it is to be recognized, I think we'd all be a lot happier. I'm not talking about doing things merely for the recognition, I'm talking about taking 'precious' time away from your personal life to develop a better personality.
I have been and always will be a strong believer in the practice of humanity. There can be no humanity if everyone always keeps to themselves. I'm not saying you should make it a point to remember this, I am only saying you should try to open up to someone you don't know. As I said before in a post a few months ago: take a chance on a passing glance.
I will probably add more about this as time goes on because it a subject I feel strongly about. Afterall, you can talk to strangers on the internet at great lengths, but what about the person you sit next to on the train?
Me. I stole it, but I was following instructions! lol
03.26.05 (9:59 am) [edit]Three names I go by
Chris
Christopher
Mayes
Three screen names I have used
GTRFV
cmaze
SadlyJokin
Three things I like about myself
My curiosity
My abilities
My heart
Three things I do not like about myself
My confusion
My admiration
My need...
Three parts of my heritage
Some Irish blood
Dutch
Texan native
Three things that scare me
Spiders
Heights
My heart (sometimes)
Three of my everyday essentials
Understanding
Listening
Feeling
Three things that I am wearing right now
A hat
A jacket
My heart
Three of my favorite bands or musical artists
The Cure
The Shins
Garth Brooks
Three of my favorite songs
Ordinary World - Duran Duran
Name - Goo Goo Dolls
God of Wine - 3EB
Three new things I want to try this year
Letting go
Shaping
Soaring
Three things I want in a relationship
Understanding
Honesty
Soul
Two truths and a lie
I can be happy
I will be happy
I am strong
Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to me
Eyes
Mind
Legs
Three things I just can’t do
Answer
Be a face in the crowd
Scatter
Three of my favorite hobbies
Writing
Playing chess
Saying 'hello'
Three things I want to do really badly right now
Make my finger stop hurting
Sink the the bottom of the ocean and still be able to breathe
Be 23
Three places I want to go on vacation
Malaysia
Ireland
Chile
Three things I want to do before I die
Be 100%
Have a family
Watch someone close to me be truly happy (for once)
Three ways I am stereotypically a boy
I know I am right
I like to argue for fun (sometimes)
I'm shameless
Three ways I am stereotypically a girl
I LOVE romantic comedies
I ask stupid questions
I give the run-around
Ok, this was stolen from Lindy, but she told me to do it, so I did. Yeah, its personal and I might take it down depending on things...lol
Paint
03.25.05 (9:04 am) [edit]Another day of painting to look forward to today. We're almost done - today should be the last day...and then I'll have my hands on some big bucks. Unlike a lot of people I know, I enjoy painting...it allows you to kind of just escape from the world for a little while. And I'm happy as the day goes by because I know I'll be proud of the work that I have accomplished. Thats why I do it - the satisfaction of a job well done that has taken a lot of effort. It's nice to do things like that...and the money is good, too. Sure, its a messy job and the clean up can be a bit tedious, but its the effort and product that matter most.
A funny thing about painting is how much it reminds me of Karate Kid. Y'know, when Mr. Miagi tells has him paint to learn different karate moves and discipline. No matter how cheesy that movie may be, its a classic and you can't go wrong.
Anyway, as I sit here and enjoy my coffee and ready myself for breakfast, I am looking forward to another day of hard work thats really going to pay off...in more ways than one!
Real life
03.23.05 (7:20 pm) [edit]What is 'real'? Stupid question? Well, some may think so...others, however, may actually see the sense in asking such a question. After all, perception is something that should never be messed with...its what make us who we are.
'Real' life can mean many different things. There are many different ways people live their lives. You can live vicariously through someone else, you can make believe, or you can take a step forward to self-realization. All of these are done through the same process: experience. Now this may seem like a fairly broad statement, but think about it for a moment. Experience does not mean that you have done something more than anyone else, but it can. All this word means is that you have gained or lost something. Every experience you have shapes who you are, but you decide on how it shapes you. For instance, if your heart is broken...will you stop loving? No. Why? Because there are certain things in life that are uncontrollable. Not matter how much you think you have control over a situation, you can lose it in an instant. What matters most is what you hold onto through each experience. You may lose a lot, but in the process you have gained more than you have lost. One must always be aware of the lessons life has taught. You can go your entire life keeping nothing of what you have learned, but what kind of life is that? I suppose you'd learn how to make mistakes, but then my last statement would be false because you have kept something - the ability to make mistakes. This ability is one we all have and all use from time to time...though mistakes are usually something you don't mean to make. We've all made them, but whats important is that you learn from them. What would you do if someone hurt you in some way? Would you turn the other cheek or would you protest the assault? You should do both. How? Well, its simple really. Turn the other cheek so you do not hurt them back, but make it clear that it is something you will not accept...or turn a cheek to again. If they end up hurting you again, forget about it and move on...otherwise it will never fade from your mind and you will constantly worry. Worry is something that you need, but not something to live with. The reason you must worry is to remain cautious if the sitaution arises again, but don't worry about 'what if', worry only enough to learn from it. As all emotions go, you can feel too much of something...so allow yourself to take a step back here and there so you realize what it going on and how to either change or live with it.
Back to the subject at hand - what is 'real'? I believe that what you feel is 'real' and nothing more. Although, what you think has a major effect on what you feel. So allow yourself to remember what, why, and how you allow something to impact your life. Theres a lot to learn from it all...just don't think too much about it.
Whats real to you?
5 minutes
03.22.05 (5:02 pm) [edit]Have you ever lost track of where you are at any given moment? Its like you just wake up eventhough you've been awake the entire time. Some people give it the name 'daydream', but thats a little different. When you're daydreaming, you know what you were thinking about...you were somewhere else because you placed yourself there. What I'm talking about is 'waking up' and wondering what the hell was going on for the past five minutes. Time just seems to disappear into some other world and you sit there wondering if anything happened. Its like you have a moment of amnesia, but only a moment. Sometimes it may feel a little bit like deja-vu. The weirdest part about it is that no time passed, it only feels like it did. Ever felt that way?
I've been feeling like that fairly often and I'm not quite sure how to make sense of it or even if it makes any sense at all. Its like my mind crossed over to an alternate universe while my body remained where it was. Not really an out-of-body experience or anything like that...just a lapse of some sort. Sometimes I actually remember what happened during the time that never passed and its a strange thing. I'm not sure that it can be explained scientifically...though I am sure its got something to do with the communication between nerves or something...who knows. What happens in the time that doesn't pass? Its hard to explain, but I'll try.
Its kind of like a dream, but at the sime time its all too real to be a dream. Its also like a memory, but a memory you aren't connected to. Almost as if, for a brief moment, someone else decided to take control of your mind and place you in a virtual world rather than a real one. Its like you were communicating with something deep within, but further away than you could ever imagine at the same time. And all of the sudden you're sitting in front of your computer, listening to music, and looking at the clock that reads the same time you thought it was five minutes ago. Although, a lot can happen in five minutes.
Some people think that your life span is no longer than five minutes, but no less than 100 years. Explain that one.
Tonite
03.21.05 (8:56 pm) [edit]minds are changing briefly
on this highway tonite
songs keep people preoccupied
as faces pass by,
a retrospective fantasy
to illuminate your eyes...
red wine on a white carpet
a fire burning bright
a shadow playing games
on the sight
you once called vivid,
a fortunate turn
in an awkward moment...
people exchanging glances
in this city tonite,
day dreams keep us preoccupied
as snow collects under our feet -
another slow day passing,
but the happiness is lasting...
Psycho-babble
03.21.05 (5:31 pm) [edit]There are so many things I could write about at any given moment that its hard to make a concrete decision on exactly what to write and how to convey it as clearly as I can for others to be able to read and understand. Day after day more just comes to mind and it makes it almost impossible to write one thing without mentioning at least 50 other things...and its hard enough to make a point anyway. Most of the time I don't know what I am writing about until I am half way or more through it. Which is to say that nothing will ever be complete. While I am good enough at giving my opinion and sharing my experiences, I am not that great at closing it off to make a point. Usually I leave things pretty open-ended for others to make what they want of it. I've never been too good at 'teaching', but then again...what do I have to teach and why should I care enough about it to even consider teaching it? Well, I suppose the answer can be found in the forest...among a heap of broken branches and withered leaves. They had a life all their own, they sprouted from the ground and grew into something amazing. While the tree had no idea of what was happening, it still happened.
People often go through life without knowing exactly whats happening, but that doesn't mean they don't have any clue about it...they just may not understand it. Life is constantly changing, whether we want it to or not. Sometimes its a bad change, sometimes a good change...but it is change. With this change comes experience. A small tree has not lived long enough to be strong enough to handle some types of weather. A small tree may break when the wind blows hard enough, while a larger tree may seemingly remain untouched...but it is still changed. It may lose a few leaves or something. Anyway, people are a lot like this. The only real difference being that people can make what they want out of a situation through experience. I know that using trees to make this point is a little out there, but so are more metaphors.
Nature - doesn't matter how inanimate it may appear - has plenty of lessons to teach us about life. We see the changes in nature, the fearfully strong weather and the fragile flower all hold their own life. With each passing day, we can see a lifetime go by. What matters is what you take with you and whether or not you will allow something to break you or move on from it, growing stronger as the days pass. Something that will not change is the end, but we can change anything we want on the way there.
And again, I am at a meeting place with myself and there is a fork in the road. There are so many more places I can visit right now, but maybe the knowledge that there will always be a crap load of possibilities along the way is enough for me. The weather has changed me plenty, but I am still me - I have the experiences in life to call my own and...who knows...maybe help someone along the way.
Indie music
03.21.05 (1:33 pm) [edit]In my vast collection of music, I like to have things that most people don't know about. This is only because my taste in music varies so much that its hard to talk to people about most of the bands in my collection as they are not 'popular'. That term is relative though.
Anyway, I like to explore the wild frontier of music through places like Download.com. I am constantly searching for new and different music. I prefer indie music because it is wildly different from what we all know as 'mainstream'. Recently, my search has brought me to the following bands.
Faith In Plastics - "The guitars ramble blissfully, long enough to reveal a building tension while never letting the song get away." - Download.com. If you like pre-OK Computer Radiohead, you'll like this band.
Built Like Alaska - "California's spacious Central Valley is proving itself to be a fertile source of indie rockers laden with rural ennui, and the region spawns further low-key majesty in the form of Built Like Alaska. Having spent formative years hanging around like-minded sibling Grandaddy, BLA is finally stepping out of its big brother's shadow, and the band arrives armed with an introspective batch of richly textured mini-epics." - Download.com
The Velvet Teen - "After establishing a singular sound mixing ethereal, almost hymn-like delicacy with the intensity of post-hardcore, the Velvet Teen continues to push its music to new heights. Judah Nagler's voice quivers with emotional resonance and soars with self-assured confidence, while the thoughtful arrangements of pianos and strings--which augment the already engaging mix of guitar, bass, and drums--lift his singing even higher." - Download.com
I highly recommend these bands to people who like to change up what they listen to and explore their musical horizons while embarking on an inspirational journey.
Also:
Minus Story, Neva Dinova, and Listening Group are all worth listening to.
Stars
03.21.05 (10:35 am) [edit]Do you believe that the stars have some control over our lives? Do you think people should put any stock in astrology? This is something that I've been giving a lot of thought because I have been thinking about what my astrologer has told me. While I do not believe that this IS whats going to happen BECAUSE of something else, I do believe that I can take it in and shape my own path out of what the stars 'say'.
So far my astologer has been right about the things he has 'predicted', but this just could be because of my subconscious has taken in the information and has manifested it in the physical world. On the same note, what he has told me about my past in spot on. This is a little strange since he doesn't know my past. I've never told him anything about growing up or anything of that sort. This makes me wonder if the stars do in fact hold more than meets the eye.
I know that a lot of people consult the stars about relationships among other things, but I don't think they should base their moves off of what the stars say. The stars are there, to me anyway, as an outline. You can choose to follow it direct and color within the lines, or you can open a part up and choose to explore what the stars have failed to mention. What would happen if people lived their lives ONLY according to what is shown to them from above? Would people be happy? Would they end up living their lives to the fullest? Would they be sad because of the things they never knew...or just not care because they are so caught up in coloring within the lines?
I suppose, like anything, it is all perception. I know people who live their lives according to the stars and they seem to be happy with where they are because of it. I also know people who consult the stars on certain issues, but only use it as an option...weight to balance. And then there are runes....but thats another story. All I'm wondering about is what my astrologer has told me and how spot on he has been. Should I put any stock in it or...hmm.
Pass
03.19.05 (10:33 am) [edit]standing watching shadows
pass the time
pointing out some possibilities
taking a chance
on a passing thought
making change for gamblers
spending what they don't have
hoping to make something
from a childs eyes
hoping for frequency
like a song playing
dancing in a spotlight
cast from heavens arms
the world turns again
silently driven by dreams
thrown deep into a well
filling the darkness with sunshine
as we stand watching shadows
pass the time
pointing out some possibilites
to cure our curiosity...
------------------------- ------------------------- -----
I wrote this poem late lastnight...or early this morning depending on how you look at it. This is the first poem I have written in a couple of months that may have some meaning. Though I am unsure of the exact meaning or structure, I am fairly convinced that it is a happy poem. I guess what I was trying to convey was a sense of understanding about change...some type of metamorphosis in the day to day life of people constantly wishing to be more while understanding that they are more. I don't know. While this is definantly not one of my best nor anywhere close to it, this is an achievement in my eyes because now I know that the Zoloft hasn't completely taken my poetry from me. Afterall, I am still me.
And some may recognize one line that I stole from a GREAT song. My favorite song.
Darkness
03.18.05 (4:31 pm) [edit]
What is darkness? Is it merely an absense of light or is there more to it? I suppose that there are many interpretations of what darkness is. Some may see it as merely the absense of light, but others may see it as the beginning of all creation. Some may say that darkness is internal, while others say it is external. I say that darkness is the mind while the heart and soul are its source of light. Its one of those things that is mostly philosophical. After all, if it weren't then we would once again find ourselves with the dictionary's definition: the absense of light.
This is something I have given a lot of thought in my life. Since I have dealt with darkness a lot in my life, I had questioned its every essence. I used to be afraid of the dark until I realized that when I closed my eyes, I was surrounded by it. Then I realized my ability to create. My mind was filled with new and interesting things to explore, but the only reason this was so is because of the things I saw and felt. If I had not experienced something, there would only be darkness. I would still have my thoughts, but there would be no real substance in those thoughts. They would be empty, hollow, and filled with darkness. It didn' t take me long to come to terms with what darkness was and why it was omnipresent within my life...after all, I had a lot of alone time growing up. I realized one of two things: I could take it the wrong way and be let down, or I could create anything I wanted out of it. So, I created a nice little life for myself within the darkness.
Now that I am older and have gone through many changes of belief and philosophy, I realize that I still think the same way about darkness. Only now I do not use it to create my own little world...I don't need that anymore. I use it as my quiet place. I go there when I need to sort things out. Sometimes it can be a little too much to take...since there is more than meets the eye in the dark, but I don't see myself living there anymore. I have developed a certain kinship with the darkness because of the time I spent there, I have an understanding of what it is and why it is there. And while I am depressed, confused, and worried...I am still inspired, thoughtful, and insightful. All of this because I am introspective...I have explored the darkness and I have created from the darkness. In essence, I am the darkness. I am also the light.
Happy St. Pat's
03.17.05 (11:39 am) [edit]"The Brothel"
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across
the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
------------------------- ------------------------
"Water to Wine"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
------------------------- ------------------------- --------
Irish Predicament
Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole Mulvihill just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
------------------------- ------------------------- ----
Old friends...
03.16.05 (11:31 pm) [edit]Something to be more than thrilled about!!!! WOOHOO!!!
One of my really really old friends whom I haven't spoken to since high school found me randomly on MySpace tonite! Turns out he just joined MySpace about a week ago and was typing in random names when he stumbled across my name and sent a friend request. I, in turn, checked out his profile and sat there thinking that I knew this guy...but couldn't be sure. So, I added his AIM sn to my buddy list and voila!
Its crazy because its been so long since we've talked and neither of us thought we'd ever talk again, but things have a way of working out. Thank god for the internet...thank god for MySpace.
Something to be happy about...its nice for a change.
More than I knew...
03.16.05 (9:24 pm) [edit]Today my life changed. Although I suppose this is true for most days, but today was quite shocking and thought-provoking among other things. It was also hurtful and worrisom. And please don't hassle me about my spelling.
Anyway, I suppose I should start with the fact that sleeping has not been...umm...easy? Thats putting it rather lightly though. I was able to sleep for 20 minutes at a time lastnight before waking up each time to stare at the clock for another 20 minutes. Then, at 7am I was awaken by my brother telling me he was going to the hospital because his bloodpressure had gotten too high. At first, I wanted to just go to sleep until the alarm clock went off, but then my mom came in and told me once again that they were going to the hospital. I really didn't want to go as I have seen far too many of them and hate the feeling it brings. My brother came in again and asked me to go...I couldn't turn him down as I need to be somewhat supportive every step of the way. And as I read that last sentence I think 'there has never been a time I have been unsupportive.' Thats true, but over the years the support I have offered has caused me to worry about things WAY TOO MUCH. Anyway, we got to the hospital and they took him in...found out his bloodpressure was 180 over 120. If you know how bloodpressure is...well, thats FUCKING HIGH! So, he spoke with the doctor about his drinking problem over the years so they ran some tests...............
My brother has alcoholic hepatitis. I don't know a whole lot about it, but I know that it can lead to cirrhosis if drinking is not stopped. So, we have all decided for my brother to go into detox and rehab. Right now, he is up in his room going through some withdrawls. Ok, I don't want to talk about that anymore at the moment.
Another thing which really changed my views on my father is what I found out from my mother today...the reason they split-up. This is something I had never thought about asking either of them for reasons I'm really not quite sure of. I guess I just thought whatever reasons they had for doing so, it must have been the best decision. I'm not going to go into full details, but the respect I had spent years developing for him after what happened in Malaysia has once again dropped to almost nothing. I know that this is happened many years ago and there is nothing anyone can do about it, but it is apparent more than ever how big of a liar my father really is and how little people must mean to him afterall.
This is all very hard for me to understand and reconcile within and without myself, but the Zoloft is keeping any really bad feelings I may have at bay. I like the fact that is not making me more depressed, but it almost feels as if I should feel more than I do.
Therapy
03.15.05 (6:09 pm) [edit]Well, I started therapy today and I'm optimistic about where things will go with it. I'm confident that I can better myself with the help of Zoloft and therapy together. Its still somewhat hard for me to accept that there are things that I cannot do by myself. I'd like to think I was strong enough to handle life on my own, but as any disease - it must be treated. Yet, its also funny to me calling it a disease. I'm depressed. Thats a disease? I suppose it must be when they add the 'clinically' part in front. However, I'm trying to be as optimistic as I can be and trying not to pay attention to how silly it may seem to me.
I was finally able to refill my prescription today, so thats good too. After taking it for awhile and feeling how it works, I don't like being off of it for too long. My head starts to play tricks on me and it gets me into a slump. A slow digression. However, I also have a 3 month supply that I ordered online on its way. Therapy and Zoloft should be a healthy combination. I know its much healthier than drinking.
I plan on leaving updates about how my therapy is going and some of what we discuss, but some stuff may be a bit too personal to write about. We'll see.
I've been really tired lately, but unable to sleep. I've also been sick which really sucks when you add it all up. I feel myself getting better though, so this cough should leave me alone pretty soon. lol.
Anyway, I think its time for me to stop writing for now. I'll probably end up writing more before my head hits the pillow.
dunno
03.15.05 (12:02 am) [edit]How could something so small mean so much?
Is there an answer or only a guess?
Clocks
03.14.05 (7:08 pm) [edit]Well, I must say, that last post was pretty interesting. I doubt anyone has any idea about what it is, but thats the beauty of it. haha.
Anyway, a little update on me...
I'm sick. Have been for the past few days, but its clearing up slowly. I hate being sick though, such a horrible feeling.
Talked to my friends about what happened the other night and everything is just fine on all sides, so thats good.
I'm up with my mom again, looks like I'll probably be staying this time...though I still might go back southward to take care of some things.
Anyway, I don't really feel like writing at the moment and am not quite sure why I started in the first place. Adieu for now.
this is my blog, dammit!
03.13.05 (6:06 pm) [edit]I'm sitting here talking to myself on the phone. I am actually holding the cell phone up to my ear and listening to what I have to say. I feel like being a woman but the woman I want to be won't let me. She told me she doesn't trust me. I'm wondering what people will think when I reveal this...
I have decided that honesty is my new best friend. I have been drinking. And without any real intention of stopping. 'Hey now.'
Oh this is priceless. If only you people knew what was really going on here. Don't you see????????
This isn't me. This really isn't me. I am an imposter. (*cue up the ethereal blathering fools to enter here, 'yeah, dude... I feel ya man....')
dammit Lindy!
dammit, Lisa!
There is so much I want to say, but I am too much of a chicken to say it....
Not a good thing...I feel horrible.
03.07.05 (11:06 pm) [edit]I did something completely out of character last night and now I feel EXTREMLY bad about it.
Had a girl over last night. Well, you can pretty much see where this is going so I doubt that I have to explain much, but I am going to because this is bothering me. And it should.
See, she came out with my friend Chris and I to see Finding Neverland...which is an amazing movie. Afterwards, we came back to my place and watched another movie called Code 46...which is an awesome movie as well. So, we did something I had promised myself not to in a moment of weakness with having friends over - drank a couple of glasses of wine. Chris ended up leaving at around 1:30am and Sarah came into my room and crashed out for a bit since she was going to work at 3. I stayed up for awhile playing around on the computer and she woke up at around 2:30. Then, she decided she didn't feel like going to work and decided to just stay the rest of the night. So, we layed down and started talking - stayed up til around 7 talking and then started cuddling as we fell asleep. We also ended up making out for a little while, but I didn't want anything to go any further.
Now, heres the fucked up thing - shes my bestfriends girl. I know a lot of you want to chew my head off right now, but its a strange story.
They had been dating for a couple of months and then he got a job in San Jose (about a 6 hr drive northward) and told her that they should break it off for a little while...until he or she could move to the other. However, I guess at some point that I'm not sure of she had convinced him to carry it on long distance. So, its a weird situation...kind of.
Anyway, I feel really bad about it and I know that it shouldn't have happened...and there is no excuse. Now, I think she has probably told him by now, but I'm not sure. I've been thinking about calling him up and explaining what happened. Hmmmmmmm....
So confused. Hating myself right now.
Today
03.06.05 (11:32 am) [edit]I'm missing writing poetry. Strange to not really feel inspired much. Mostly I have just been writing little snippets here and there of whatever pops into my mind. It turns out alright, but theres not as much there as there used to be. This makes me wonder if maybe I was inspired mostly by my depression...if thats the case then it sort of makes sense that I haven't been inspired enough to write poetry because of taking the Zoloft. Its strange, but maybe thats the way it is? Or maybe its just the lack of really being around the things that used to inspire me so much...although, thats not really a factor since I am around all of the same stuff. I think its the depression thing. Who knows, maybe I'll find out different sooner or later...hopefully sooner. I miss the poetry, but I'm not looking around trying to get inspired...that would make the poem somewhat false...and thats not good.
Anyway, my dad is coming over today. We're going to go out to lunch with my two half-sisters of 7 and 5...I think thats their ages. I'm not quite sure since I haven't been around them and don't really talk to my dad very often. I'm looking forward to seeing them though. Its nice that my dad lives in Nevada instead of Delaware now...its easier to make the time to see eachother and such. I think he's going to Japan for a few weeks pretty soon. He does a lot of travelling and I kind of miss travelling as much as I did when I lived with him. However, its nice to stay in one place for a change, too.
Well, he's here. I'll write more later perhaps. We'll see.
huh
03.05.05 (10:57 pm) [edit]theres a fading image cast over me
something different to be
though nothing means much to me
i just wish i could be
who i'm meant to be,
but what am i but an image
cast aside for another day
to be taken away...
Drinking
03.04.05 (12:26 pm) [edit]I've decided that alcohol should no longer have a role in my life. Its not the best thing for me and I know that I should no longer put my body through such a thing. I haven't been getting sick from drinking or anything, I've just realized that I drink WAY too much. Theres more productive and healthier things I should be doing with my time. Also, with my brother having his own problems with alcohol, its not the best thing for me to drink with him...or at all. I worry about my brother, but I see now that I have only made the situation worse by drinking with him. However, its not like he won't drink by himself or with other people...but this way it will be easier for him to take me and his situation seriously if I have a sober mind.
I have also realized that I am not going to be able to help myself much by drinking. I have never taken a drink to "ease the pain" or "deal with things", but I don't want it to become something like that. I don't want my body to start thinking that it needs it. If that were to happen, my depression would worsen and I don't know what would happen. I know this is the best decision for me to make. A lot of people have been worrying about me and the amount of alcohol I consume on any given day...I should start taking a serious look at this and not just brush it off.
So, that is the next step in my recovery from depression. Its time to really REALLY start changing things...otherwise I will end up where I was and I don't want that...its scary.
hmm
03.04.05 (1:05 am) [edit]I can't stay here. Not how I am...not as the person I would like to be. Its interesting to think about myself...I really haven't done that too much. It may seem quite the opposite to a lot of people...and I don't care about spelling. What I care about is whats within a heart and what can be explained through such a thing. What can be explained through such a thing? We have all these beliefs and underlying stigmas on who we should be and why....but, why?
To tell you the truth, I am not sure of what I am writing right now. All I know is that I would like it if things could be right. I know its nothing that is easy and I know its nothing that can be here or there, but I just want to know that what is real...IS REAL.
dont know
03.04.05 (12:47 am) [edit]theres something deep inside me
reeling
constantly confusing
who i am
with what i know
still there i am
inside
something
i just cannot define,
make me understand why
theres something there...