DAMMIT
02.28.05 (5:59 pm) [edit]Ok, there is one thing that I can't deal with in life...well, ok, maybe a few things. However, this is something that I see day to day and it apparently has no end. What am I talking about? Well, I'm about to tell you.
Conformity within relationships.
Why is it that so many people allow the ones they love (on a boyfriend/girlfriend basis) to control their lives and manipulate their foundations? I know that many people do not put up with such things and am very happy about that. However, there are the ones who fall so deeply in love with an indivudal that they begin to stop thinking about themselves. It may be as small as not hanging out with friends so much given the jealousy of the individual they say they love. Then it comes down to point where they try to keep tabs on your every move. Is that a way people should be happy with living? Someone who constantly tells someone they "love" that it is wrong if they aren't waiting around for them to call? Ok, maybe I am being kind of vague...sorry, but this is really pissing me off.
My friend believes that she in love with this guy, but this guy will not allow her a life of her own. He wants to know where she is, who she is with, and what she is doing at every moment of the day. He gets mad and tries to guilt her everytime she is trying to have good time with her friends. She says she is happy and that he wants her to have her own life, but how can she have her own life when he is constantly telling her not to hang out with people she wants to hang out with? How can she be happy having to be home every night at a very strict time just so he can call and make sure she is home. Doesn't care about the day as long as she is home when he wants her to be.
Can anyone come up with some way that she should be happy in this relationship?! Whats worse...she said yes to this guy when he proposed without a ring. He keeps her on a very short leash. I just hope he doesn't become abusive in the physical sense, but all I can do is hope. All of her friends and family have told her she needs to get out of this relationship, but its up to her at this point - we have done and said the most we can.
too much time on my hands at the moment
02.28.05 (10:23 am) [edit]Alrighty, so I have made the following in the words of a Swedish Chef. hahahaha
------------------------- ------------------------- --------
Tudey hes beee a pretty unefentffool dey und I em nut soore-a ixectly vhet tu telk ebuoot. Um de hur de hur de hur. Met zee noo gooy vhu hes mufed intu thees epertment. Um de hur de hur de hur. Fur thuse-a ooff yuoo vhu dun't knoo, I em beck in Pesedena fur evheele-a. I'll prubebly be-a gueeng beck up nurt sumeteeme-a thees veek...hefe-a tu see-a hoo theengs gu. It reelly ell depends oon hoo I feel effter a foo deys. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Vent tu a "perty" next duur oon Setoordey neeght, it ves a lut ooff foon. Bork bork bork! Drunk sume-a muunsheene-a, vheech I prubebly shuooldn't hefe-a dune-a, boot ooh vell. lul. Unyvey, yeeh, I'm hefeeng a herd teeme-a typeeng reeght noo becoose-a I hefe-a nu idea vhet tu telk ebuoot. Um de hur de hur de hur. I'll pust sumetheeng veet mure-a soobstunce-a leter. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!
wilting woots
02.27.05 (12:13 am) [edit]your woots are wilting
yes, and the nastification of my awakeness has been engaged.
Better
02.24.05 (11:50 am) [edit]Effective methods of self-improvement...
Well, I'm still not sure about this. I think it happens to be a growing list that may never be complete. These are just things that have worked for me so far and may work for others as well...given that they are going through one or more of the same situations.
- Quit smoking pot and doing any drugs because it will only cloud your mind. In effect, you will not be able to focus or motivate yourself to do things.
- If you don't have a job, get one. Not only will you make money to do the things you want to do, you will begin to feel better about yourself.
- Don't oversleep. If you do oversleep, you will tire more easily and your daily functions will deteriorate. Also, you may develop a feeling of depression and/or anxiety.
I'll add more later as I develop more within my self.
adjust
02.23.05 (11:05 pm) [edit]"Who died and lifted you up to perfection...?" - REM
Its late. I'm tired. However, there is something on my mind and it cannot quite be defined by mere words. I only wish to achieve some sort of understanding between myself and the world I live in.
A few moments ago I hung up the phone after a conversation that I shall question for awhile. I was speaking to a girl whom I love dearly about herself and a relationship that is eating away at her soul. It hurts me to see her in such a place, but I have been there myself and tried to offer some advice. The advice I offered may have appeared rathe hypocritical to some, but I know that it did not appear as such to her. We understand eachother on a very deep level.
Anyway, I have always known her to be a very happy person. And, like any good relationship, I have seen her in her darkest hour. However, I have never been so worried for her wellbeing. The relationship she is in right now is quite unhealthy and I don't believe she sees that. When I asked her how she felt she said she felt worn out, cold, tired, empty...among other things. I told her that that is not how one should feel in a relationship and she told me that it is only sometimes that she feels this way. One problem: everytime I or any other of our friends (and her family) has spoken to her about this relationship she feels the same way. Obviously its not only sometimes that she feels this way.
After speaking for awhile I came to the conclusion that she needs to start thinking about herself more. I told her to lay off the pot, get a job, and do what she needs to do for herself. I also told her that I may seem a bit hypocritical because I was also smoking a lot of pot and hadn't been thinking about myself. She said that she did not think I was hypocritical because I was actually doing something about it.
I am worried for her right now because she really isn't thinking about herself and is allowing this guy to make her feel bad because of it. I am trying to offer whatever support I can, but I do not feel that she is taking it to heart.
Well, I need to get to bed. I'll post more about this in the morning...
My Music
02.23.05 (8:14 pm) [edit]I thought, for some reason or another, that it might be somewhat important to allow people into the musical spectrum of my life. Like, what styles do I prefer and why...or what are my favorite artists and why. Maybe these questions can be answered and maybe they can't since I am constantly changing and can't stick with one band or one style for very long. In fact, I'd have to say I like everything all the time. Yes, even country. There are a few country artists I like for reasons I cannot explain except for maybe being a Texan. Anyway, lets get into this.
The first music I can remember listening to were the soft-rock hits that my mother and father always played. I can't remember exactly the songs that they were, but I do remember wanting to close my ears when my mother and father started singing along. Yeah. Thats not a good thing when you're a kid. However, as time moved on, I got to like music a little more because I started to figure out how the sounds worked together to form a song. The lyrics, however, were still a bit beyond me.
My brother and I used to share a room growing up and as he was older than me...well, he liked music more than I did. He would play the radio all night and, as a result, I didn't sleep much. He also used to make me say 'goodnight Ben' at the exact same time as he did after counting to three. If it wasn't at the exact same time, we would do it over. Yeah. Fun times, huh?
Anyway, later on in life I developed my first 'real' crush on the daughter of my baby sitter. She happened to be REALLY into to country music. So, I found myself listening to country music and really enjoying it. Seriously, I really enjoyed it. Such country greats as Willy Nelson. Then I developed a taste for people such as Garth Brooks and Tim McGraw. Don't ask me, I don't know.
Anyway, time moved on and I started to grow more of an appreciation for cheesy white-bot rap...ie Vanilla Ice. A time I am not proud of, but faded quickly...so I was alright.
Then came my rock phase. You know, all the 90's rock, but I actually preferred a lot of 80's tunes because my brother Art played them non-stop. Mostly Depeche Mode and The Cure. However, those days kind of passed as I started listening to bands from other parts of the world - Aussie mostly - because I was living in Malaysia. Although, I also began to listen to bands like Nirvana and Oasis.
And now, looking back at it all, I am glad I listened to the bands that I did. There were SO MANY more, but I have niether the time nor space to list them all. In between everything I listened to classical greats such as Igor Stravinski and jazz greats such as Lead Belly.
Now in life I listen to mostly EVERYTHING...including the music that I used to cover my ears from. My favorites? Well, here they are in no particular order...the stuff I can't go a day without listening to...don't ask me why:
Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, The Beatles, The Cure, REM, Robert Miles, Igor Stravinski, The Doors, James Taylor, Don McLean, Elton John, David Bowie, Modest Mouse, Lynard Skynard, The Eagles, Johnny Cash, Tool, NIN, Alice In Chains, Ray Charles, and many more.
Believe me, I listen to EVERYTHING. As well as a CRAP LOAD of Indie-rock bands. And, yes, some 'emo'.
**UPDATE**
Lindy has brought it to my attention that I had forgotten to list Reggae!! How could I be some stupid?! Well, here we go: Bob Marley (of course) along with the older masters of Reggae The Toots and the Maytols!
Wolf
02.23.05 (10:45 am) [edit]
Sat down at the computer this morning only too look out the window and see a magnificent animal - a wolf. While many people believe these animals are nothing more than wild dogs, I hold this animal in high regard. Why? Because of their evolutionary history as well as their presence in mythology.
The evolutionary history of the wolf is not totally clear, but some biologists believe the wolf came from a primative carnivore known as miacids. Miacids ranged in size from gopher to dog-sized and appeared in the Lower Tertiary about 52 million years ago. Miacids in turn had evolved from Cretaceous insectivores.
Relatively late in the evolutionary history of miacids came the appearance of the first canid (Cynodictis), one of these was called the dawn-wolf, this creature had a long body and looked like a enlongated fox, it could live and climb in trees, it was also thought to possibly related to feline species.
Some authorities believe that canids originated in North America and then spread to Asia and South America, while others ascribe that a small type of wolf crossed into siberia from alaska, where it eventually developed into the larger, present-day grey wolf. The grey wolf then migrated to North America, where it populated what is now Canada and the United States, except for the southeastern section of the latter country. that area was populated by the smaller red wolf(C. rufus). Still Others believe that the dog family originated in North America, migrated to Asia, and then returned.
Wolf ancestors began to develop in the Paleocene, about sixty million years ago. By the Miocene, about twenty million years ago, canines and felines had branched into two separate families. In one ancestor of the wolf,Tomarctus, the fifth toe on the hind leg became vestigal and is evidenced today by the dew claw on both wolves and dogs.
Research of wolf history by Robert Wayne at the University of California suggests that a number of wolflike canids diverged from a common ancestor about two to three million years ago. The first gray wolf,(Canis Lupis), probably appeared in Eurasia sometime in the early Pleistocene period about a million years ago. Around 750,000 years ago, it is though to have migrated to North America.
The Dire Wolf,(Canis Dirus), larger and heavier than the gray wolf, evolved earlier and the two co existed in North America for about 400,000 years. As prey became extinct around 16,000 years ago due to climatic change, the dire wolf gradually became extinct itself. Around 7,000 years ago the gray wolf became the prime canine predator in North America.
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Wolves symbolize family, teaching, co-operation, insight, stealth, strength, leadership, loyalty, freedom, individuality, psychic energy connected to the moon (hidden wisdom), sharing knowledge and wisdom, cunning, hunting, seeking, introspection, listening, magick, dreams, They are connection to the moon and to Wepwawet, Zeus Lycaeus, Apollo, Ares, Mars, Silvanus, Cernunnos and Odhinn.
Unethical
02.21.05 (7:21 pm) [edit]I am apart of a group on Tribe.net known as FreeWrite. Being a member, I get updates and alerts...of course. Recently I received this:
"This is a story of my friend who needs a kidney, has a donor and is being denied because he has a website stating his need and story. He has not asked for money just a kidney as he is on a waiting list of 80,000 people to get one. The hospital finds it "unethical" for him to ask to live. My other friend, Patrick, has offered a kidney and they have been tested and are a match but are still being denied because of "ethics". Interestingly enough, they didn't even meet via teh website but are both fellow commedians. I urge anyone who reads this to offer whatever assistance you can in exposing this "ethical red tape" for what it is as no kidney foundation will make their money from this operation. This is unethical, to let someone go without a kidney with a willing donor.
his website is
www.selflessact.net/ "
I felt that I should post a blog about this because I was once almost in need of a kidney and understand the importance of donation of organs.
This story made me think quite a bit about the system we have in our hospitals etc. It is just wrong that they would deny an organ to someone who is in so much need only because he felt that it was important to share his story with the rest of the world. I cannot fathom such a thing. Someone was ready and willing to donate the gift of life...yet the hospital has found it "unethical" to raise awareness of the importance of doing such a thing.
Hospitals are supposed to provide the care and assistance of living, but this story shows that it might be quite the opposite. What gets me is the fact that we all have seen talk shows etc where people are talking about the problems that they have and asking for some help. They aren't asking for money, only the chance to lead a happy healthy life.
Anyway, I can't write a truly expressive opinion on this at the moment, but I felt that this is something everyone should be aware of. What happens if I find it "unethical" to allow someone to live and in turn kill them? I know that that is quite idiotic to even ask that question, but thats what this hospital is doing. Think about it.
the laughin gnome
02.21.05 (12:10 am) [edit]The Laughing Gnome
by: David Bowie
I was walking down the High Street
When I heard footsteps behind me
And there was a little old man (Hello)
In scarlet and grey, shuffling away (laughter)
Well he trotted back to my house
And he sat beside the telly (Oaah..)
With his tiny hands on his tummy
Chuckling away, laughing all day (laughter)
Oh, I ought to report you to the Gnome office
(Gnome Office)
Yes
(Hahahahaha)
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
";I'm a laughing Gnome and you don't catch me";
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
";I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me";
Said the laughing Gnome
Well I gave him roasted toadstools and a glass of dandelion wine (Burp, pardon)
Then I put him on a train to Eastbourne
Carried his bag and gave him a fag
(Haven't you got a light boy?)
";Here, where do you come from?";
(Gnome-man's land, hahihihi)
";Oh, really?";
In the morning when I woke up
He was sitting on the edge of my bed
With his brother whose name was Fred
He'd bought him along to sing me a song
Right, let's hear it
Here, what's that clicking noise?
(That's Fred, he's a ";metrognome";, haha)
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
";I'm a laughing Gnome and you don't catch me";
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
";I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me";
(Own up, I'm a gnome, ain't I right, haha)
";Haven't you got an 'ome to go to?";
(No, we're gnomads)
";Didn't they teach you to get your hair cut at school? you look like a rolling gnome.";
(No, not at the London School of Ecognomics)
Now they're staying up the chimney
And we're living on caviar and honey (hooray!)
Cause they're earning me lots of money
Writing comedy prose for radio shows
It's the-er (what?)
It's the Gnome service of course
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
";I'm a laughing Gnome and you don't catch me";
Ha ha ha, oh, dear me
(Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
";I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me";
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
";I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me";)
(One more time, yeah)
..................................................................
and the Gizoogle version:
I was walk'n dizzle tha Hizzy Street
W-H-to-tha-izzen I heard footsteps behind me
And there was a shawty old dawg (Hello)
In scarlet n grey, shuffl'n away (laughta)
Well he trotted B-to-tha-izzack ta mah hizouse
And he sat beside tha T-E-Double-Lizzy (Oaah..)
Wit his tiny hands on his tummy
Chuckl'n away, messin' all day Pusha
Oh, I ought ta report you ta tha Gnome office
(Gnome Office)
Yes
(Hahahahizzle
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
";I'm a laugh'n Gnome n you D-to-tha-izzon't catch me";
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
";I'm a laugh'n Gnome n you can't cizzatch mizzy
Said tha laugh'n Gnome
Well I gizzy him roasted toadstools n a glass of dandelion wine (Burp, pardon)
Tizzle I put him on a train ta Eastbourne
Carried his bag n gave him a fag
(Haven't you gots a light boy?)
";Here, where do you come from?";
(Gnome-man's land, hahihizzles
";Oh, really?";
In tha ho-slappin' when I woke up
He was pimpin' on tha edge of mah bed
Wit his brotha whose name was Fred
He'd bought him along ta sing me a sizzay
Right, let's hizzle it
Here, what's that click'n noise?
(That's Frizzed, he's a ";metrognizzles haha)
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
";I'm a laugh'n Gnome n you D-to-tha-izzon't catch mizze";
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
";I'm a laugh'n Gnome n you ciznan't C-to-tha-izzatch mizzle
(Own up, I'm a gnome, ain't I right, haha)
";Haven't you gots an 'izzy ta go to?";
(Nizzo, we gnomads)
";Didn't they teach you ta git yo hair cut at school? you look like a hatin' gnome.";
(Nizzay not at tha London Schoo` of Ecognomics)
Now they're stay'n up tha chimney
And we saggin' on caviar n honey (hooray!)
Cause they're clockin' me lots of money
a phone call
02.19.05 (11:09 pm) [edit]so, i talked to a girl on the phone whom i haven't spoken to in quite some time. it was interesting. we used to talk for hours on the phone. we'd never really talk about anything of importance, just shoot the shit and what not. we had a bit of a "falling out" and went months without talking to eachother. then one day - her birthday - i texed her to say happy b-day and we started chatting a bit here and there. i realized that there was no reason to not talk to her...even with the lies she told and all the harsh things we said here and there. it reminds me of a post that lisa left on her blog about forgive and forget. there was really nothing too much to forgive since the lies were white and the harsh words were just confused bullshit. so all thats left is to forget. it can be quite easy to forget. especially since shes a sweet girl. shes got a great personality, she just gets a little mixed up with emotions at times...then again, don't we all? anyway, i just got off the phone with her. it was a nice conversation. we didn't really talk about anything of any importance, but thats what was nice about it. to be able to talk to someone about absolutely nothing for so long is kind of reassuring in a way. its nice to know that we can start over again to some extent. i don't think i'll be calling her as often as i once did...and vice-versa, but we can talk like friends again. thats a nice feeling. to be able to rectify a bad situation with an ex-friend. to make an ex-friend a friend again is a good thing. and as i sit here writing this, i realize that maybe there are a few other people i'd like to make peace with and a few others that i would like to get in touch with again. its never a good thing to lose a friend. and forgiveness is important to being a humanbeing. even if they aren't deserving of your forgiveness, forgive them because you shouldn't go through life holding grudges or pushing people away. we all make mistakes. we can all be rather foolish at times. we all tell lies here and there. its apart of being human...so is forgiveness. and its not about forgive and forget...you'll never really forget, but if you can't forgive then you might end up regretting.
what i know...what i believe...faith...
02.19.05 (10:37 am) [edit]i was asked a little while ago about my beliefs on 'god'. at first, i answered that i just don't believe in that nonsense, but then i realized that i do believe in 'god', but not as others - typically christians - percieve this entity. i do not believe we are controlled or even really watched over. i could never put my faith in the unknown...simply because i hold faith in something i do know. a few different things actually.
i hold faith in nature. the way it works so that the world can continue to live. the sun rises and the sun sets. the stars shimmer. clouds move in, it rains, clouds move out. nature is harmony and it is because of nature that we are able to function and grow.
i hold faith in people. i don't care if they are good or bad, they are people and they are deserving of my love. its not right that someone kills someone else, but thats why we have morals (also known to christians as the ten commandments), mostly just common sense. for some, common sense does not exist...they are lost and a little disoriented, but i still i have faith in them. i hold faith in people because i hold faith in myself. i may not have all the answers...hell, nobody does, but thats what makes life worth living.
i hold faith in death. why? because it is a part of life and we all need to accept that. death is nothing to fear...its natural. if people fear death then, in a sense, they fear themselves. how? because, like i said, death is apart of life which makes it apart of us.
i hold faith in the fact that all of this binds us together. we are one with everyone else. there is a piece of you in me and vice-versa. maybe thats what 'god' is. maybe all of the different religions in this world are actually the same thing. which they are - the search for truth. and i have realized this and i have faith in this. 'god' isn't some omnipresent infallible being that reigns supreme over our lives...'god' is the human heart, mind, and soul. like in christianity where they say: the father, the son, and the holy ghost. the heart, the mind, and the soul.
i don't know. i'm just trying to explain what i believe the best i can. its hard to do because there is so much. it makes me happy to think about my beliefs and ideas because i know they are my own...and on the same note i know that i share them with the world and that they are everyones in one sense or another.
...ok
02.18.05 (10:36 pm) [edit]shes got alot of love in her eyes
keeps her indifferent to the disguise
in someone elses heart -
and shes dreaming of home again...
...yeah
02.18.05 (9:08 am) [edit]
a beautfiul picture of a texas sunset.
well, woke up this morning to a beautiful day of snow. i love watching the snowfall...and it just keeps coming down. the only thing i don't really look forward to is the amount of shoveling that i'm going to have to do. lol. its alright though, the tress are covered and its beautiful...maybe i'll see about taking a picture with the digi later. hmm, its an idea.
i'd like everyone to take a good listen of the song thats playing on my blog - its my brother art. the song is called Suicide In Valhalla and was written a bunch of years back. Here are the lyrics:
Suicide In Valhalla
by: Art Mayes
Dragged my beat-up car across the state I learned how to use my friends And abuse my body Had a losing conversation with the mirror one day It said 'You've aged yourself beyond your years' I said 'I don't have a retort But if you've got another snort I can wash away all my sins' It's everything i ever wanted It's everything i've ever dreamed It's everything i never wanted Suicide in Valhalla Found a girlfriend and a buddy And we braved a trailblaze down the Path of degradation Thought i'd wizened up Laying on his couch one day Watching the sun rise, intoxicated A night of shagging on the floor She's a minor, I'm a whore But the drug's running through my brain No time to be alone I call every crash-pad 'home' And i think the whole world's lost its mind Or am i losing mine We suspend time Live what we like Moments from oblivion What a perfect way to spend a dream like summer time Kick around the same dried-up conversations Been cured in the salt of Sarcasm that passes for wit I kiss a girl i've known forever She acts like it's assault And says i've never 'been there' It's everything i ever wanted It's everything i've ever dreamed It's everything i never wanted Suicide in Valhalla
_________________________ _________________________ _
so, let me know what you think.
sure...
02.17.05 (6:08 pm) [edit]You Belong in 1962 |
1962
1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in! 1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too. 1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all! 1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day. 1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good! |
dont know
02.17.05 (5:22 pm) [edit]you yelled out loud
what you wanted me to know
took a breath
but you let it out slow
and i should have known
by the look on your face
you were thinkin bout leavin
this worn out place...
i thought i knew you better
when you walked away
and when that stupid letter
found its way back to me
i had only tried to say
i was thinkin bout you again...
that just popped into my head for some reason...so i wrote it down.
piano man
02.17.05 (3:54 pm) [edit]this is one of the best songs ever written....
------------------------- --------------------
It's nine o'clock on a Saturday
The Regular crowd shuffles in
There's an old man sitting next to me
Makin' love to his tonic and gin
He says, "Son, can you play me a memory
I'm not really sure how it goes
But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete
When I wore a younger mans clothes"
La la la, de de da
La la, de de da da dum
Chorus:
Sing us a song, you're the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feelin' alright
Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke
But there's someplace that he'd rather be
He says, "bill, I believe this is killing me."
As the smile ran away from his face
"Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place"
Oh, la la la, de de da
La la, de de da da dum
Now Paul is a real estate novelist
Who never had time for a wife
And he's talkin' with Davy, who's still in the navy
And probably will be for life
And the waitress is practicing politics
As the businessmen slowly get stoned
Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness
But it's better than drinkin' alone
Chorus
sing us a song you're the piano man
sing us a song tonight well we're all in the mood
for a melody and you got us feeling alright
It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday
And the manager gives me a smile
'Cause he knows that it's me they've been comin' to see
To forget about life for a while
And the piano, it sounds like a carnival
And the microphone smells like a beer
And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar
And say, "Man, what are you doin' here."
Oh, la la la, de de da
La la, de de da da dum
Chorus:
sing us a song you're the piano man sing us a song tonight
well we're all in the mood for a melody and you got us
feeling alright
know
02.16.05 (8:56 pm) [edit]i feel another chapter in my life opening up. its strange. i'm not sure if its good or bad at this point, but i do know that its going to be hard. i also know that no matter how it turns out, i'll have learned another lesson...and thats a good thing.
i've never been this scared though. i've never been this unsure and it makes me a little uneasy, but i suppose thats how life works. at least i know i'm still feeling...and that there are still new things to experience. however, i never really felt as if there was nothing more to experience...i only felt that i didn't want to experience the new. i was fine with the way things were. then again, i suppose thats a lie as well. i was never fine with the way things were. i wanted to be though...i wanted to be more than anything. and it was a rude awakening every morning.
i've been listening to REM alot. the new album AROUND THE SUN. its really good. i think they found themselves again. thats how i feel right now. i'm in the process of finding myself again. thats a good feeling. i was lost out there somewhere and things are finally coming back to centre. theres a lot i've been wanting to change about myself, but i never had the courage or the confidence to do so...and now i'm feeling that i can. i'm feeling that i can get back up on my feet and make something of myself. i just need to take things slower and not be so hesitant with my decisions. i need to have the courage to get out there into the world because the world is a beautiful place and i want to experience it. i need to be comfortable with the unknown, because i don't know everything. i've been afraid of failing so i never tried. and you know what? failure is something one needs in order to achieve greater things. i've always let failure bring me down down down and never took the lessons i learned to try again. i would give up. i'm done with giving up.
i need a job and i need to be more serious about finding one. i need to find something inside that i can be proud of and put it to good use. i need to be me and not be afraid of who i might be. things are about to turn around for me and whether its good or bad is something that i choose. its my decision about whether i succeed or fail and i actually need to put effort into trying. i actually need to try and not be so concerned with others and how they see me.
i think things are going to be on the up side. no. i KNOW they are.
TRUE OR FALSE
02.16.05 (1:05 pm) [edit]thats right people, the shit that sent me to the top of the tblog charts a year ago has returned!! bahahahaha!!! see if you can answer these questions correctly...there may be some useless ass tbucks in it for ya...or something you want that i can give...we'll talk about it...
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TRUE OR FALSE?!?!
1. Putting sugar in the gas tank will ruin a vehicle's engine.
2. Motorist caught speeding by photo radar pays fine with picture of money; police send him photo of handcuffs in return.
3. Man whose personalized plate reads NO PLATE receives thousands of parking tickets.
4. Australian programmers added armed kangaroos to a military defense simulation program.
5. Submarine commander issues archly humorous letter when his requisition for toilet paper is cancelled
yes.
02.15.05 (10:12 pm) [edit]it make take me awhile to find a video i will stick with for this blog. had the cure up...they are my favorite band...but then i noticed a flogging molly video and flogging molly kicks ass. i'm also searching for the video of rabbit in your headlights by unkle feat. thom york because that is an amazing video. who knows.
so, here i am at 11:15pm...feeling kind of tired, but not quite ready to make myself go to bed. i'm pondering drinking another jack n coke, but that depends on whos online and what not. if i get bored, well...who knows. all i know is that i am bored...so, yeah.
i think later on tonite i may post something of value. i haven't posted anything truly worth reading in a great long while, so maybe i'll do that. and for those of you who used to read my stuff BACK IN THE DAY before tblog got all big and fancy, i may just put up some true/false and did you know stuff. haven't done that since months before my disappearance. then again, i may still disappear again...only time will tell. but some of you people know my number so its not like i'll completely vanish. if you care enough to know whats going on in my life then you can always call me...and i'll try to do the same for the people whose numbers i know.
ah well, until later this evening...
think think think
02.15.05 (10:08 am) [edit]i gotta start responding to comments...least thats what i'm told. probably wouldn't be such a bad idea since people do take the time to leave them. i've never been good about responding...i always say i will then i forget, its not my fault though! lol.
i'm thinking about moving in with my mom again. she wants me to. she also thinks i should learn real estate. i'm not sure about all that, but maybe it would be a good idea. leaving my friends doesn't sound so appealing...neither do these cold ass winters, but i do enjoy the snow. heres a picture of where i am right now and where i might end up living if i choose to:
its really nice. my mom and stepdad designed it and had it built by these folks. pretty cool stuff. so, i may end up moving back in with the family for a little while. it would be a good opportunity to get back on my feet. i don't know though. leaving my friends still doesn't sound appealing. although, apparently it appears that i am trying to convince myself to do it. lets see here.....
the good: back on my feet, good living, small community of friendly people, a nice lake, a bunch of places to hike, rock climbing, great town.
the bad: leaving my friends, REALLY cold winters....
hmm, seems the good out-weighs the bad. maybe i should move up here. its going to take some thinking.
decaf.
02.15.05 (9:42 am) [edit]i'm stuck with decaf coffee and a hangover. someone online tried to tell me that coffee is run through rat poison to make it decaf. i have no idea where they get their information. i'm tired. i'm bored. i'm hungry. i should probably eat and then take my pill. hmph. anyway, i'm going to post info about decaf coffee.....
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taken from ineedcoffee.com:
In all of the decaffeination processes, the green coffee beans begin the journey by being steamed and/or soaked in water. This makes the caffeine soluble and primed for extraction.
The Swiss Water Process Method
The Swiss Water Process is popular among its advocates because it does not use chemicals. Instead, a green coffee extract is used. This green coffee extract is almost caffeine-free. Due to chemical solubility laws, the caffeine will move from an area of higher concentration (the bean itself) to an area of lower concentration (the extract). Since the extract contains essential oils and the other valuable components of the bean, mostly caffeine seeks its way into the extract and leaves behind the desirable components of the coffee. Done properly, this organic method successfully removes 94 - 96% of the caffeine while it retains more of the flavor compounds present in the essential oils than the chemical methods. Keep in mind that Swiss Water Process coffee beans are generally more expensive than beans treated with a chemical solvent. This is due to the fact that Swiss Water Processing almost always accompanies high-quality arabica beans, while chemical processes are used on both arabica and robusta beans.
The Chemical Solvent Method
The chemical solvent method is the most commonly used method for removing the caffeine from coffee. Chemical methods remove the caffeine better than the Swiss Water Process method because the solvents used can target caffeine most evenly and effectively. Common solvents include methylene chloride, ethyl acetate, and highly pressurized carbon dioxide. After the green beans are moistened they are then immersed in the solvent. After the solvent performs its action, the beans are rinsed with water. After the beans have been rinsed, they are steamed. Residual solvents evaporate in the steam. The rinsing and evaporation systems collect the solvent for recycling and re-use. Any remaining solvent will be burned off in the roasting process. The chemical caffeine method will remove 96 - 98% of caffeine.
The Supercritical Carbon Dioxide Method
The Supercritical Carbon Dioxide method is a chemical method that is somewhat dissimilar to the other chemical methods; therefore it deserves special attention. This method uses carbon dioxide at 250 - 300 times normal atmospheric pressure. Carbon dioxide in this form looks like a liquid in terms of its density, but it has the viscosity of a gas. It is a very effective solvent at the high pressures. When the coffee beans are exposed to the solvent, the caffeine migrates to the solvent. When the removal of caffeine is complete, the now caffeine-rich carbon dioxide is passed through either an activated charcoal bed or a bath of water to absorb the caffeine for re-use. Like other chemical methods, the Supercritical Carbon Dioxide method removes 96 - 98% of the caffeine. Carbon dioxide is inexpensive to obtain and non-toxic.
Like an Elvis song
One might compare a naturally mellow (low acidity) cup of caffeinated coffee with a decaffeinated version of a high acidity coffee. If you prefer a coffee that is known for bitterness or acidity in the caffeinated version, the same coffee in a decaffeinated state will taste "flat" in comparison. At the same time, the other characteristics of that coffee will be brighter since they aren't masked by so much bitterness or acidity. It is kind of like an Elvis Presley song. Often times there are brilliant bass lines that aren't noticed until the vocal track has been removed. In these moments, the full complexity of the song is realized. On the flip side, removing the vocals could reveal an uninteresting tune that is better in a complete state.
Until a method is developed which will completely eliminate caffeine while preserving other flavor constituents of coffee, we will have to tolerate these imperfect methods. The best thing to do is to try several different brands of decaffeinated coffee until you settle on the one or two that taste the best and feel as though they have the least amount of caffeine.
Something
02.14.05 (8:51 pm) [edit]saw this on a couple blogs, stole it...although not really, but...yeah....
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A. First, recommend to me (or list your favorite):
1. A movie
2. A book, and
3. A musical artist, song, or album
B. Everyone who reads this has to ask me three questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want.
C. Then, go to your blog, copy and paste this allowing your friends to ask you anything they want!
optimistic? trying to be.
02.12.05 (5:30 pm) [edit]over the years i have done things that i enjoy doing and i got alot of satisfaction from it...as most people do. i played sports like rugby and soccer, i ran races, i took long walks just to breathe in the aromas of the earth, i rode my bike, i went out and did things. one day i didn't feel like doing half the things i used to and it felt awkward because i knew i liked them, but something inside of me wouldn't allow me to enjoy them. i started spending more time inside, looking out the window trying to get the motivation to go out and do something. i started smoking pot and that didn't help much, but it felt good. i started going out and getting drunk and it didn't help, but it felt good. then i started not really caring about a whole lot. i alienated myself from the world i once knew and loved.
i started thinking after awhile that i didn't really have a place in this world and i took it to heart and started feeling as if nothing at all was worth doing. i couldn't get myself out of bed in the morning, didn't feel like taking a shower or shaving. i felt like all i could do was lay around the house and watch everything pass me by. i wanted to rot away. i couldn't smile. i didn't even recognize the reflection in the mirror. i started going to raves, sitting there listening to synthasized beats and rolling balls on ecstacy. the feeling of not wanting, loving, or being just got worse.
i started thinking about suicide and how much better darkness was. i started thinking that i was letting everyone around me down. i believed that my family and friends just saw me as some nobody. i didn't know what to do...and i didn't really care. i felt like 'worth' wasn't worth anything.
i still feel that way. the only difference now is that i WANT MY LIFE BACK. i don't like the games my mind plays on me. i wish i could change myself, but the fact is...well, i can't right now. i'm not strong on the inside. i don't have much confidence and social situations can stress me out causing a lot of anxiety. so, now i'm taking zoloft. now i'm going to be seeing a shrink. it feels weird to need help...i don't like that feeling. i want to be strong inside...and i'm optimistic for the future. i'm going to make the difference in my life. we all need help sometimes...and its never the easiest thing in the world to accept, but at least i'll be me again.
i'll be able to smile. i'll recognize the reflection.
a pic
02.12.05 (9:14 am) [edit]
Don't know how well you can see it, but from left to right: Mark (my brother Ben's boyfriend), Ben, Me, my mom, my brother Art, Erin (my brother Art's girlfriend, and my stepdad Al. Picture was taken on Dec. 23, 2004.
depression among other things
02.11.05 (9:07 am) [edit]well, its been a couple of months since my last post. i don't think anyone ever comes here anymore since to most of you it appears that i have dropped off the face of the earth. well, i've just been kind of busy and have not been anywhere that has net access in awhile. plus, i haven't really had the desire to post anything here.
anyway, a lot has happened. a bit too much to write a post about. i'll make a long story short.
i've been really depressed lately due to circumstances seemingly beyond my control. i know that they aren't beyond my control, but i have lacked the will and energy to make any good changes. i went to the doctor the other day and had a few good talks with a few psychiatrists. yeah, a few. mainly because i wound up in the ER of the psych ward at a hospital. i hadn't tried to kill myself, but i was thinking about it quite a bit and my brother called the police because he was worried for me. they took me to the USC medical center in los angeles for a 72 hour hold. i was known at that point as a 5150 - danger to myself and others. i met a couple of interesting patients - sergio and jose. sergio arrived at the same time as myself, but he admitted himself since earlier that evening he had tried to hang himself. we talked a lot about how we felt and actually had a few breakthroughs...turned out we were helping eachother since we both knew how the other was feeling. jose was another self admitance since he had gotten into a fight with his girlfriend and had become somewhat abusive, but not physically. we all played cards etc. made the time we spent in there a bit easier.
they didn't hold me or either of them for the full 72 hours, but we were all prescribed medication and counsiling and sent on our way. now i'm taking zoloft. at the moment i have not felt much difference in my mood, but it can take up to 4 weeks for the medication to take effect.
it makes me a bit uncomfortable to be taking medication for my mind, but i guess its going to help me get my life back on track.
zoloft balances out the seritonin levels in the brain to help nerves communicate with eachother...or something like that. and side-effects can range from the shits to having an increase or decrease in sexual desire. haven't felt any side-effects yet either. i guess that zoloft is a good thing for me not only to help with depression, but social anxiety and balancing out the seritonin that i may have screwed up during the couple of years that i was taking ecstacy.
so, thats the best update i can give.
until i write again, adieu.