ack. just ack.
10.29.04 (3:04 pm) [edit]i'm sitting here drinking dr. skipper. not dr. pepper, but one of its cheaper inspired counterparts. thing is, it doesn't taste THAT much different.
anyway, inside, i am in a state of unrest. seems that nothing is going right and nowhere close to the possibility of going right. its ok though, i know that something will go right sooner or later.
theres been a lot of bullshit going on in my personal life. mostly things pertaining to my brother. i suppose its bound to happen seeing as how we have seen eachother so much...we really don't spend much time apart. we've been growing a little sick of eachother - pointing out all the things that bother us. meanwhile, i've been trying to find a place to live...have to move out by november 30. its not easy and its not going to get any easier...money has escaped me. so has motivation, good intention, and the whole of my heart. i've been getting depressed...and it keeps getting worse.
my thoughts are still my own...not those of someone who has lost hope. i am thankful that i have been able to retain at least some hope, but its not easy. i'm sure we've all been here, there and everywhere...but for me, this is the worst. time will heal me, i am sure...as i am willing to help myself and accept the help those who care may offer.
i am glad october is just about over...its been a bad month. november will bring with it a sort of new beginning and life will get better.
what i know. (shitty poem)
10.26.04 (7:59 pm) [edit]everyone around here knows just who to be
seems nothing matters, a bee sting
just goes on down the drain
and it seems real plain,
but i guess thats how it goes sometimes
just driftin like a beat in time
a song on a radio someplace
teaches us not to lose face
but we're facing every direction
some misconception, maybe just lost
or forgotten -
really doesn't matter much though,
we're caught in the undertow
trying to swim to a place called home
its where our hearts go
when nothings in our way
except for today,
but thats another scapegoat
in our minds eye
defiance is key, just thinkin differently -
sometimes it may seem wrong
but it'll be a long time coming
if we're going to believe in second comings,
too much change round the world
but everythings the same
just curl into a ball
make another phone call,
a distant friend to reminice with
about all the myths we follow -
my eyes are growing hallow...
i wish it wasn't so...
but its what i'm told...
its what i know.
everywhere
10.26.04 (4:42 pm) [edit]i have to piss. yes, like a race horse...or a monkey...it all depends on how ya look at it. i don't know why i am sitting here typing while my blatter is about to expose itself to the outter limits of this life i call my own. don't even bother trying to understand what that means...if i understood it, it would have been typed differently...or just not at all. though, i suppose it doesn't really matter.
life is but a dream.
yes, and its over before we know it. why not beat the shit out of it before it beats the shit out of you? yes, this makes sense because nobody likes to lose.
this is such a strange time to be alive. however, the movie Waking Life defines it as the BEST time to be alive. i think both are true...afterall, shouldn't the BEST be a little AWKWARD?!
obviously this is going nowhere. this could be because i am drunk and have to piss...really bad. i leave you with this BULLSHIT i wrote a few minutes ago trying to pass the time........
[line]
if you want to learn how
just take a chance
a glance around the room
you could see it all
right round your head
spinnin
dancin
seemingly lost,
but only unspoken
and its what you want
or desire
or something for that matter
since you care too much
you should really try harder
but its not gravity that gets you there
its the way we keep spinnin
round
and round
and round
round again
til we stream off of insecurity
like something someone said
once
or maybe twice,
i really cant remember
but it must have mattered -
maybe it didn't
and the glimmering supernova
was just a dream
or at least it seems that way,
so distant
reflected
and bright
like the tv at 4am -
just there...
umm, a poem?
10.20.04 (9:25 pm) [edit]sitting on my bed with that look in your eyes,
just a smile to make the day right
something in your voice says you love me
and i know its truer than i could believe
and that makes me see
theres truth to be spoken in the lies of today
such misfortune for us to laugh at
as if nothing could get us down
just a clown in the rain -
the make-ups fading fast
our souls left bare
to share with eachother
and i could love you a million more times
than in a dream
as i feel myself waking up
just to taste your lips
to feel your hips against mine,
diving deep inside
to feel your warmth...
still you sit there
with that look on your face
a solem trace of reality
seems so far from me
since i'm still lost deep inside
of a dream i confide in
your intoxication
baffling me once more,
i know what this is for
...i could never love you more.
ha
10.19.04 (11:49 pm) [edit]its hard to type with a cigarette in your hand. constantly wondering if you might get burned or if a little ash is going to fuck up your keyboard...or maybe nothing will happen but a small type-o. i suppose it doesn't matter much though. shit happens, but at least the point got across. its a lot like life. constantly wondering about whats going to happen with each choice you make. hell, even if you didn't mean to start in a certain place you usually end up where you wanted to. it all depends on your focus, though sometimes it may seem a little distorted. but, hey, distortion makes it our own - a small unique snippet of who you are. it really never matters why...only look back to gain perspective.
i've been looking back a lot recently. trying to understand who you are can be a little hard sometimes...you're constantly changing and some of those changes weren't the changes you wanted...but most of the time they are the changes you needed. sometimes you get burned, but you can always rub something on it then cover it up. i think too many people try to do that - cover up. why do people tend to believe they have to cover something up? after all, its our imperfections that make us who we are.
i think thats what writing is. its like the bandage...you're just trying to get people to see whats under that bandage. to some it may appear ugly, but to others it might be the most beautiful thing they have ever seen.
while writing i tend to read whats been writin to write more. after all, everything should fit together. however, after reading what i have written right here...i'm not quite sure where i am going with this. maybe i'm just writing for myself, but maybe someone else will read this and it will make something clearer for them. i doubt it. i don't know if anything i write will ever have any effect on anyone else, but thats not the point.
whats the point?
maybe i don't know. maybe i'm not supposed to know. maybe i do know. maybe i just don't care. hell, maybe the point is as clear as the words here. and maybe there is no point. maybe the points been made and i just feel like writing more. i think that its probably a combination of all of these.
in fact....
or maybe its fiction?
we're all trying to get somewhere. we're all struggling to believe, to have faith, to remember, to forget, to love, to hate. we're all trying to do SOMETHING. we're all so lost in our own thought that the moment we start caring about what someone else believes we believe it ourselves and it becomes ours.
i guess the point of this is just to try and understand why i am trying so hard to understand. understand what? if i knew i wouldn't be writing this. i'd be sitting in my bed with a milkshake and a cigarette...smiling.
glance
10.16.04 (2:16 pm) [edit]ever wonder about those random eyes you see walking down the street? what goes on behind them? who, what, and why? how, when, and where? who knows...afterall, its just a passing glance.
[LINE]
she swore with a glitter in her eye
she didn't know what or why
or how she should act
like she was lacking something,
i told her it wasn't what i thought
but the things i bought into
as if i had given up,
but i had only been tied up
in a web of introspection
and i should have passed the inspection
though i was the one investigating
where i shouldn't have been treading -
just needed some sort of answer
to be acknowledged for taking a chance
on a passing glance...
[LINE]
just a thought. not written very well, but its all about the moment...right?