Philosophy or wishful thinking?
09.27.04 (1:02 pm) [edit]What does it mean to be "enlightened"? Is it defiantly spiritual? Does it take giving up worldly possessions? Can it only be found on a strictly "religious" foundation? I don't think the answer to any of these questions is 'yes'. I do not believe that "enlightenment" has a set definition.
In the Hindu and Buddhist religions, enlightment means to transcend desire and suffering to attain Nirvana. This is a great thing to believe for many people and keeps many lives balanced. However, in order to truly attain Nirvana in these situations is to almost give up free will. Or maybe its just a good way to discipline yourself to use free will accordingly and morally.
In the 18th century there was a movement referred to astheEnlightenment. It emphasized the use of reason to scrutinize previously accepted doctrines and traditions and brought about many humanitarian reforms.
My opinion of "enlightenment" is that it is to share spiritual or intellectual insight with eachother. To give information to; inform or instruct. It is not only to be found on a personal/spiritual level, it is something that needs to be found within society. The people as a whole must become aware of the amazing power we all share with one another - the power of intellect, will, and wisdom. This must be shared world wide to attain a world wide Nirvana. Its just wishful thinking, but isn't that where "enlightenment" came from? Wishful thinking, decision making, and the act of making a difference.
how very different i feel.
09.26.04 (9:30 am) [edit]am i as stupid as i feel? or maybe i'm just confused and lacking sleep...
[LINE]
remainders of this life i lead
too misled to misconcieve
i wish i could belive for once
that i was not the only dunce
that something was different
in a crude circumference
of misinterpretation
differentiation
or confrontation
between a friend and foe
but you just say 'so what'
since you have yet to be caught
unaware but forgiven
such misfortune
for you to stare at through sadness
a blanket and refreshment on a pillow
a weeping willow on a riverside
someone to confide in
believe in what you see
what you hear can be misleading
i wouldn't want to seem condescending,
but i still crave to understand
like a child with his candy
singing softly in his sleep
to the tune of weeping
from his mother
or another fool -
just playin it cool...
won't do it.
09.22.04 (9:01 am) [edit]nope. i won't. i can't. i shouldn't. i probably wouldn't even know how if i were going to. theres nothing to plan for, nothing to live for...no reasons to die. nothing to believe in, but i've got faith in something somewhere out there.
golly, i feel so awkward. care to lend a hand? though its not a hand i need, its a job and a cracker. maybe some eggs and pancakes. maybe a drink.
[line]
birds still fly
at twilight
setting the path
for insight
some type of metaphor
for you to sort out,
just wish i knew how
you could believe now
that ignorance was pretty
don't you think its petty
to hold yourself in high esteem
but nothings as it seems
and we could reason everything
right down to what we mean
to one and other
trying to discover
what our core is for
the soul of disillusion
such foggy emmitions
from a mind lost in ignominy
can't you see
what it means to me,
even if theres nothing there
our meaningless lives left bare,
but what do i care
your just a little too clever
i think i'll just meander
through some thoughts
i hope i don't get caught
inside of you...
ease
09.10.04 (10:04 pm) [edit]my girl's asleep on the bed behind me. for some reason i have a lot on my mind and i'm not sure exactly what it all is. it very strange to be thinking so much about nothing. i have this uncomfortable feeling inside and theres no way to get rid of it. although, its not bad, but at the same time, its not good either.
alot has been going on recently - between saying adios to my job and trying to find a new place to live by november, things are pretty hectic.
today was just another day...pretty much the same as any other...all save the fact that i've seen a lot of old friends tonite. my brother went out to our bar and came back with a buttload of people i haven't seen in forever. its always nice when that happens, but always quite surprising. sometimes i get a rush of fear that is quickly washed over with a sense of reassurance. that seems very strange to me...that something could be like that...especially when it comes to friends. however, i understand the feeling because i am seeing people that i have always loved, but have not seen for awhile. isn't that called anticipation? i always thought that anticipation was not so much an emotion in itself, but rather a mixture of emotions. there are so many different types of it that it is actually quite distinguished in its meaning. you wouldn't think that something would be that way, but there are plenty of emotions i could name off that fit such criteria (ie love, hate). those are the most basic of emotions, but at the same time, the most complex.
i think i know what it is i am feeling. why i am feeling such discomfort. i'm not sure what my friends will think of kendal. its not that i need their approval, it just that i want them to like her (and vice-versa). i've never been good with situations where certain people are uncomfortable or hateful (or many other things) towards another person. i need to be around people that like eachother. confrontation is something i like to steer clear of. i've had too many experiences in dealing with the negative...i don't need any more.
i forgot to call the doctor today. i'm kicking myself in the ass for it, too. i really need to make sure to do that asap. between worrying about what my brothers mri will say and worrying if i'm developing a heart condition, things aren't so good. while the pressure and pain in my chest have been getting a little bit better (not as often), it still worries me because everytime it starts to hurt i also go numb in my back where the pain is in my chest. that can't be good.
anyway, i'm trying not to focus on the bad too much. its not an easy thing to do, but nothing worth doing is easy.
weird
09.09.04 (10:44 am) [edit]i woke up this morning at 3, but i fell asleep again about a half-hour later. i had been stirred from my slumber by a remarkable dream...a dream unlike any other i have ever had.
[LINE]
i called a friend to see what was going down and it turned out that another friend had rented out an entire club for a party. so, without hesitation i decided to attend. i recognized the place as a school i had gone to back in malaysia...with additions from a few other places i have been in my life - which is usally how dreams are.
anyway, we stepped inside after a cigarette and about 150 people were sitting down enjoying the music. there were places to sign up if you wanted to go on stage to dance, act, or just come up with something cool to show to everyone else. and right when i entered, a girl without a face (beautiful nonetheless) told me that she really liked my attire and decided to hit on me. we walked around a bit and hit it off.
at that point, a guy rushed by me - hopping about 100 feet into the air and any given moment. i decided to follow him and do the same...since i knew i could. i then decided that i'd rather fly than hop and proceeded to do so. the people around me really enjoyed what i was doing and found it quite amazing.
i looked around and noticed that the girl i had gotten to know was no longer around...so, i went outside with my friend jeff to smoke a cigarette.
[LINE]
i awoke...i was sitting at the computer playing a game...coincidentally, i was sucked into the video game. i started killing people who seemed like they were against me - it was the entire point of the game. i was shooting people and breaking necks when i had no ammo. it was amazing.
i found myself in what seemed to be a hospital/hotel...i was hiding from people shouting "over here!" i realized that i had done something wrong and quickly escaped.
all of the sudden, i was in a van being chased by police. i felt fear...a lot of fear. we crashed and the police took me into custody for the murder of 15 people. i was very confused, but i knew that i had in fact killed some people - in a video game.
we got to the station where they put me in a holding cell saying that i was fucked in the head. i didn't know what was going on. the DA came up to me and began to question me, asking why i had killed them all...i told them that it was a video game and the information they had was about someone else...later, it turned out that it was someone else and i looked EXACTLY the same.
[LINE]
i awoke. my girlfriend turned to me and said: "i haven't been able to sleep in an hour" to which i replied "lucky for you."
weird. thats what it was. simply weird.
sh-sh-shake
09.08.04 (8:02 am) [edit]well, my brother is giving his two weeks today. i think i am going to do the same. this place is no place for me. things have changed too much around here...and not in a good way. new bosses don't like to let us in on whats going down etc. seems like if we don't quit, we'll be fired. i don't know which is better. i kind of want to be fired so i can get unemployment while i'm in search of a new job, but at the same time i don't for the simple fact that it will look bad to likely employers. "oh, you were fired....for what?" "well, because my boss was a dumbass." yeah, that'll work out great.
meanwhile, i've also gotta start lookin for another place...our lease runs out at the end of the month. i don't know if i just want to extend it or get a new place. i'm kind of thinking of getting a one room with my girl. though its always interesting living together...especially since we haven't been together all that long. however, we are living together right now so i wouldn't see much of a problem or any changes that would be very drastic. and one problem being that i don't have a car at present...let alone the money to spend on one. i suppose i could take my mom up on her offer to help me out in that area, but it makes me feel bad doing shit like that. eh. i don't know.
i've been getting sick recently and have no idea whats causing it. its weird because i don't really feel that sick...mostly its just throat and chest pain. which reminds me, i should probably go ahead and make a doctors apt...especially since i am a few months past-due for my kidney check-up. however, i haven't really been having any problems with it recently...though the chest pain thing is kind of bothersome. the thing that scares me the most about it is the fact that it darts through my chest to my back all internally and painful and i get short of breath. hmm, thats not good.
anyway, i suppose i'll just stop thinking about it. lunch truck shall be here soon and i shall partake in the glorious wonders of food. mmmmmmmm.........
christopher allen mayes
09.07.04 (9:22 am) [edit]yup, thats me. and, for one reason or another, i was inspired to share my true self with those in cyberland. this was after reading SoMe's blog. so...yeah...
[LINE]
i was born on october 2nd, 1981 in houston, texas. my parents names are john and donna, i have two older brothers - benjamin and arthur. we didn't stay very long in texas after i was born, we picked up and moved to california. lived in california for a few years before moving back to texas - it went like that for a pretty long time until my mother finally decided she liked california the most and stayed behind while my father, two brothers and myself went to indiana. life in indiana holds some of my first memories. i've always had trouble remembering anything before that point. anyway, i was picked on a lot in indiana for the simple fact that i was a texan. i would be asked if i had ridden a horse to school etc. there were a group of greeks that would always follow me home to pick on me and rough me up a bit. there was a kind of small war between us and the greeks at that school in munster. i grew up as a latch-key kid so i never had trouble being somewhat introspective and 100% shy. being alone all the time early on sort of made it a bit harder to get friends later on. however, when i moved to malaysia with my dad, i became much more of an extrovert and extremely happy over time. my brother ben moved to california with my mom and art stayed in indiana to chase his music career.
i remember when my dad asked if i had wanted to move to malaysia or move to my moms. thinking it was a joke because i had never heard of such a place, i said yes. ha, the next day at school i was telling some friends and our history teacher pulled out the map and showed us where it was. thats when i got a little scared etc. So, we moved in December of 1994 to kuala lumpur (spent new years there). had a great time living there, but quickly got mixed up in alcohol. my new step-mother wasn't great to be around so i spent most of my time drinking so i wouldn't have to deal with her. she tore all my family pictures up, bashed my stereo with a pot i made, broke all my cds, and proceeded to cut me out of all the pictures of my dad and i. all my dad said was "clean your room." it took awhile to get to like him again, but i do now.
after malaysia, i moved here to california to live with my mom in the spring of 1997. thats when shit started getting heavy. ben had turned into a pretty severe alcoholic and managed to get into a fight with my step-dad nearly every day. cops. ambulances. fire trucks. you name it, it was there at some point. we knew a lot of cops by name. so and and so forth, shit has finally simmered down.
august of 2001 is a day i will never forget and almost regret. not a proud time. i burned down my friends garage because i got drunk and felt like playing with fire.
during all of this time, i was taking a lot of drugs in excess. mostly ecstacy. had bunches of coke, tweak, shrooms, acid, and some other things. all because i was curious. yeah.
and now, here i am. i'm an extrovert as much as an introvert. i didn't graduate high school, i dropped out. i don't always know how i feel, let alone why - which causes me a lot of inner pain. i struggle with depression at certain times of the year. i've tried to kill myself a total of probably 12 times. i have fairly low self-esteem, but i've gotten a lot better. i like to hide and mumble so nobody i don't know will hear me. i used to act. i love to write - its what has helped me pull through when nothing else can. i have trouble talking about my emotions. its easier for me to express myself on paper than talking. i have a job that i dispise. i need a car. i've got an amazing cicle of friends that continues to grow. i like to drink, but i should probably stop soon. i smoke cigarettes, which i have tried to stop on numerous occasions. and thats about all i can think of at the moment.
time to get back to work.
ack
09.07.04 (7:38 am) [edit]this past labor day weekend was alright. didn't do a damn thing...and it was fun. spent most of it with friends, between home and the bar...not to mention the liquor store. ha. yeah, there was a lof of drinking this past weekend...but isn't that what holidays are for?
discovered some new bands (can't remember names) and finally found out the secret behind raul's food.
also, i looked further into the meaning of life and started cracking up. monty python is great. oh, for some reason that reminds me of a movie that everyone needs to see at least once - the last temptation of christ. its all about christ's struggle between god and satan...among other things. it stars william defoe (spl) as jesus).
damn, i'm feeling like shit. work sucks. nothing is going on, but the lunch truck is about to arrive in a couple minutes. i'm really happy about that...really happy. my stomach feels so empty. alright already, i'm done.
later.
Somewhere inside I know how to be happy...
09.03.04 (1:16 pm) [edit]"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." - Isaac Asimov
I probably shouldn't be talking about this with anyone...let alone post it on my blog...but I've got to work through it and try to come to terms with everything.
Life has a way of pulling you up to push you back down. Things start going really well and then BAM - everything just stops. I know that its important to remain strong in such situations, but the worst part about it all is not knowing. Its always the "what if"...its always easy for your imagination to activate on over-drive.
A little over a year ago I was told that my kidneys were failing. I talked to my doctor about what I could do about it and how I could make it better. Since it was acute, it ended up being just fine. I had to take care of myself very very well. I didn't eat salty foods, I didn't drink anything except water and cranberry juice for a month straight. Next time I went to my specialist, I found out that the problem had cleared up. Life was going good after that, nothing too bad to report.
Now, here I sit at work, trying realy REALLY hard to hold myself together.
My brother has been experiencing numbness in a lot of his body. Knowing that this was not a good thing in the least, he went to the doctor who ended up referring him to a neurologist because it appears he has a tumor on his spinal chord. Its really hard for him, I can see in his eyes and hear in his voice how utterly scared he is. And I'm trying to remain strong and supportive for him, but that means I have to hide the way I'm feeling about the whole thing.
My brother is the most important person in my life and I don't know where I would be without him. We've been through so much together...in fact, I'd be willing to say we've been through EVERYTHING together. Its only in my mid-adult life that I realize how important he is to me. When we were younger we fought a lot - as siblings do. No matter how much someone may retort this, it actually brings you closer together. Later on in life you start doing everything together and you see eachother through the worst of times and celebrate together during the best of times. And now I just don't know whats going to happen.
I know that the results still have to come in to know how serious the problem is, but its hard to wait this out. Its hard not to break down crying. Its hard not to beat the shit out of someone to take my mind off of our troubles. I'm tying as hard as I can not to think about it...to just let it slide and say: "hey, it's going to be ok." I know that theres the chance that it won't be and it tears me apart inside. There is nobody more important to me than my brother.
I also miss my eldest brother more and more each day. I haven't seen him in a few years and I'd really like us to all be together again - especially right now. We all need to be strong for one and other...most importantly my brother Ben. I can only imagine how he is feeling inside right now. I know that he probably feels what I'm feeling - just 50x more.
I hate being at work right now. I hate not knowing. I hate the fuckin doctor. I hate this life for being so cruel. I love my brother.......
theres a piece of me fading
with misunderstanding
trying so hard to see
that it will be ok,
but i can't imagine
what could happen
if that piece was lost for good...
"Family isn't about whose blood you have. It's about who you care about." - Trey Parker and Matt Stone
"I think people that have a brother or sister don't realize how lucky they are. Sure, they fight a lot, but to know that ther's always somebody there, somebody that's family." - Trey Parker and Matt Stone