Moi.

its all over now but the cryin.

well, maybe not.

maybe we should just read and write more.

remember what makes you happy

People of tBlog, lend me your eyes!

Many a day has gone by and I have been left in the dust of the personal domain name.  Well, those days shall pass no more!  Introducing MY domain:

webloX

And along with it my new blog:

journey through personality

So, do your best and update your links if you have any.  Thank you people of tBlog and good day.

-Chris

Alrighty, there is a post on my new blog: journey through personality that I would like people to take the time to answer...if you will please do so, it will be much appreciated.  New project involving this information that I would like to get moving on.

So, go have a look and let me know!

Juniperflux, Lindy, Childish...I know you'll have some answers for me!

journey through personality

its new.  its exciting.  its me.

Alrighty, I am leaving tBlog.  Don't think I'll be posting here anymore...unless its to post an update about my NEW BLOG.  Yup, I want complete control over my blog...and I want it for free.  So, if you are interested in checking out my NEW BLOG, go for it.  Thats where all my new posts are going to go.

Sorry about this, but if you are interested in reading me...you still can, just not on tBlog.  Good bye.

A RANDOM PASSING GLANCE

Update your links.

He stood outside smoking a cigarette musing over what she had said earlier, he didn't remember what it was, only that it made him smile.  It had been years since he last smiled, it was a secret the world had kept from him.  As he brought the cigarette to his mouth for another drag, he found himself missing her. 

It was strange for him to miss anyone.  He questioned himself over and over for feeling such a thing.  It almost made him uncomfortable, but it also made him happy.  He shrugged it off, finished his cigarette, and stepped back inside.

With all the Easter posts, I do not think I shall write one.  I actually do not believe it is an important holiday and it especially cannot be identified as a Christian holiday seeing as how it is just one of many stolen holidays.  I should not have posted on St. Pat's day either, but I found that leaving jokes for people to muse over was a good idea.  Plus, it was my friend Lonnie's b-day - just a side note.  St. Pat's does not have a very nice history behind it - seeing as how many innocent people were slain in the name of Catholicism.  Anyway, I'm going to move on to something that I started thinking about after a phone conversation.

Recognition and humanity.  How are these two innertwined and what do they mean?  Not only had I started thinking about this after the phone call, but before hand as I had read a post from Lisa about it.  People go through their lives searching to be recognized - whether they realize it or not.  Maybe they don't search for it, but it is desired.  Afterall, without the recognition, there could be no humanity.  Life is about personality and the search for Self.  Within this search we go through many personality alterations as we change day-to-day. 

I remember when I was younger worrying about what other people thought of me, but I realized with growth that I could never find my Self if I were paying too much attention to what others thought of me.  When I realized that people were too caught up in their own lives to have much of an opinion about me, I thought maybe I should be doing that as well.  However, I also realized over time that it is not good to concentrate too much on ones Self because there are certain aspects of life that you will be unfamiliar with - such as individualism within humanity.  This is something that everyone should recognize as it not only makes us who we are, it is the core of humanity.  One can be recognized by merely existing, but then people would be left with the one-sided opinion of one and other such as 'hate' or 'like'. 

Some people may not strive for recognition, but they still desire it as if too make sure they are not just another face in the crowd.  When you look at it like that, we are all merely faces in the crowd, but we don't have to be.  Stop and say hello to a stranger some time, you'll find out how easy it is and how happy you and them will be afterwards.  Some people walk through the streets trying their hardest not to make any contact with strangers at all.  This is mostly because of the issues of trust they find themselves struggling with.  If we could only recognize how important it is to be recognized, I think we'd all be a lot happier.  I'm not talking about doing things merely for the recognition, I'm talking about taking 'precious' time away from your personal life to develop a better personality.

I have been and always will be a strong believer in the practice of humanity.  There can be no humanity if everyone always keeps to themselves.  I'm not saying you should make it a point to remember this, I am only saying you should try to open up to someone you don't know.  As I said before in a post a few months ago: take a chance on a passing glance.

I will probably add more about this as time goes on because it a subject I feel strongly about.  Afterall, you can talk to strangers on the internet at great lengths, but what about the person you sit next to on the train?

Three names I go by

Another day of painting to look forward to today.  We're almost done - today should be the last day...and then I'll have my hands on some big bucks.  Unlike a lot of people I know, I enjoy painting...it allows you to kind of just escape from the world for a little while.  And I'm happy as the day goes by because I know I'll be proud of the work that I have accomplished.  Thats why I do it - the satisfaction of a job well done that has taken a lot of effort.  It's nice to do things like that...and the money is good, too.  Sure, its a messy job and the clean up can be a bit tedious, but its the effort and product that matter most.

A funny thing about painting is how much it reminds me of Karate Kid.  Y'know, when Mr. Miagi tells has him paint to learn different karate moves and discipline.  No matter how cheesy that movie may be, its a classic and you can't go wrong. 

Anyway, as I sit here and enjoy my coffee and ready myself for breakfast, I am looking forward to another day of hard work thats really going to pay off...in more ways than one!

What is 'real'?  Stupid question?  Well, some may think so...others, however, may actually see the sense in asking such a question.  After all, perception is something that should never be messed with...its what make us who we are.

'Real' life can mean many different things.  There are many different ways people live their lives.  You can live vicariously through someone else, you can make believe, or you can take a step forward to self-realization.  All of these are done through the same process: experience.  Now this may seem like a fairly broad statement, but think about it for a moment.  Experience does not mean that you have done something more than anyone else, but it can.  All this word means is that you have gained or lost something.  Every experience you have shapes who you are, but you decide on how it shapes you.  For instance, if your heart is broken...will you stop loving?  No.  Why?  Because there are certain things in life that are uncontrollable.  Not matter how much you think you have control over a situation, you can lose it in an instant.  What matters most is what you hold onto through each experience.  You may lose a lot, but in the process you have gained more than you have lost.  One must always be aware of the lessons life has taught.  You can go your entire life keeping nothing of what you have learned, but what kind of life is that?  I suppose you'd learn how to make mistakes, but then my last statement would be false because you have kept something - the ability to make mistakes.  This ability is one we all have and all use from time to time...though mistakes are usually something you don't mean to make.  We've all made them, but whats important is that you learn from them.  What would you do if someone hurt you in some way?  Would you turn the other cheek or would you protest the assault?  You should do both.  How?  Well, its simple really.  Turn the other cheek so you do not hurt them back, but make it clear that it is something you will not accept...or turn a cheek to again.  If they end up hurting you again, forget about it and move on...otherwise it will never fade from your mind and you will constantly worry.  Worry is something that you need, but not something to live with.  The reason you must worry is to remain cautious if the sitaution arises again, but don't worry about 'what if', worry only enough to learn from it.  As all emotions go, you can feel too much of something...so allow yourself to take a step back here and there so you realize what it going on and how to either change or live with it.

Back to the subject at hand - what is 'real'?  I believe that what you feel is 'real' and nothing more.  Although, what you think has a major effect on what you feel.  So allow yourself to remember what, why, and how you allow something to impact your life.  Theres a lot to learn from it all...just don't think too much about it.

Whats real to you?

Have you ever lost track of where you are at any given moment?  Its like you just wake up eventhough you've been awake the entire time.  Some people give it the name 'daydream', but thats a little different.  When you're daydreaming, you know what you were thinking about...you were somewhere else because you placed yourself there.  What I'm talking about is 'waking up' and wondering what the hell was going on for the past five minutes.  Time just seems to disappear into some other world and you sit there wondering if anything happened.  Its like you have a moment of amnesia, but only a moment.  Sometimes it may feel a little bit like deja-vu.  The weirdest part about it is that no time passed, it only feels like it did.  Ever felt that way?

I've been feeling like that fairly often and I'm not quite sure how to make sense of it or even if it makes any sense at all.  Its like my mind crossed over to an alternate universe while my body remained where it was.  Not really an out-of-body experience or anything like that...just a lapse of some sort.  Sometimes I actually remember what happened during the time that never passed and its a strange thing.  I'm not sure that it can be explained scientifically...though I am sure its got something to do with the communication between nerves or something...who knows.  What happens in the time that doesn't pass?  Its hard to explain, but I'll try.

Its kind of like a dream, but at the sime time its all too real to be a dream.  Its also like a memory, but a memory you aren't connected to.  Almost as if, for a brief moment, someone else decided to take control of your mind and place you in a virtual world rather than a real one.  Its like you were communicating with something deep within, but further away than you could ever imagine at the same time.  And all of the sudden you're sitting in front of your computer, listening to music, and looking at the clock that reads the same time you thought it was five minutes ago.  Although, a lot can happen in five minutes.

Some people think that your life span is no longer than five minutes, but no less than 100 years.  Explain that one.

minds are changing briefly
on this highway tonite
songs keep people preoccupied
as faces pass by,
a retrospective fantasy
to illuminate your eyes...
red wine on a white carpet
a fire burning bright
a shadow playing games
on the sight
you once called vivid,
a fortunate turn
in an awkward moment...
people exchanging glances
in this city tonite,
day dreams keep us preoccupied
as snow collects under our feet -
another slow day passing,
but the happiness is lasting...

There are so many things I could write about at any given moment that its hard to make a concrete decision on exactly what to write and how to convey it as clearly as I can for others to be able to read and understand.  Day after day more just comes to mind and it makes it almost impossible to write one thing without mentioning at least 50 other things...and its hard enough to make a point anyway.  Most of the time I don't know what I am writing about until I am half way or more through it.  Which is to say that nothing will ever be complete.  While I am good enough at giving my opinion and sharing my experiences, I am not that great at closing it off to make a point.  Usually I leave things pretty open-ended for others to make what they want of it.  I've never been too good at 'teaching', but then again...what do I have to teach and why should I care enough about it to even consider teaching it?  Well, I suppose the answer can be found in the forest...among a heap of broken branches and withered leaves.  They had a life all their own, they sprouted from the ground and grew into something amazing.  While the tree had no idea of what was happening, it still happened. 

People often go through life without knowing exactly whats happening, but that doesn't mean they don't have any clue about it...they just may not understand it.  Life is constantly changing, whether we want it to or not.  Sometimes its a bad change, sometimes a good change...but it is change.  With this change comes experience.  A small tree has not lived long enough to be strong enough to handle some types of weather.  A small tree may break when the wind blows hard enough, while a larger tree may seemingly remain untouched...but it is still changed.  It may lose a few leaves or something.  Anyway, people are a lot like this.  The only real difference being that people can make what they want out of a situation through experience.  I know that using trees to make this point is a little out there, but so are more metaphors. 

Nature - doesn't matter how inanimate it may appear - has plenty of lessons to teach us about life.  We see the changes in nature, the fearfully strong weather and the fragile flower all hold their own life.  With each passing day, we can see a lifetime go by.  What matters is what you take with you and whether or not you will allow something to break you or move on from it, growing stronger as the days pass.  Something that will not change is the end, but we can change anything we want on the way there.

And again, I am at a meeting place with myself and there is a fork in the road.  There are so many more places I can visit right now, but maybe the knowledge that there will always be a crap load of possibilities along the way is enough for me.  The weather has changed me plenty, but I am still me - I have the experiences in life to call my own and...who knows...maybe help someone along the way.

In my vast collection of music, I like to have things that most people don't know about.  This is only because my taste in music varies so much that its hard to talk to people about most of the bands in my collection as they are not 'popular'.  That term is relative though.

Anyway, I like to explore the wild frontier of music through places like Download.com.  I am constantly searching for new and different music.  I prefer indie music because it is wildly different from what we all know as 'mainstream'.  Recently, my search has brought me to the following bands.

Faith In Plastics - "The guitars ramble blissfully, long enough to reveal a building tension while never letting the song get away." - Download.com.  If you like pre-OK Computer Radiohead, you'll like this band.

Built Like Alaska - "California's spacious Central Valley is proving itself to be a fertile source of indie rockers laden with rural ennui, and the region spawns further low-key majesty in the form of Built Like Alaska. Having spent formative years hanging around like-minded sibling Grandaddy, BLA is finally stepping out of its big brother's shadow, and the band arrives armed with an introspective batch of richly textured mini-epics." - Download.com

The Velvet Teen - "After establishing a singular sound mixing ethereal, almost hymn-like delicacy with the intensity of post-hardcore, the Velvet Teen continues to push its music to new heights. Judah Nagler's voice quivers with emotional resonance and soars with self-assured confidence, while the thoughtful arrangements of pianos and strings--which augment the already engaging mix of guitar, bass, and drums--lift his singing even higher." - Download.com

I highly recommend these bands to people who like to change up what they listen to and explore their musical horizons while embarking on an inspirational journey.

Also:

Minus Story, Neva Dinova, and Listening Group are all worth listening to.

Do you believe that the stars have some control over our lives?  Do you think people should put any stock in astrology?  This is something that I've been giving a lot of thought because I have been thinking about what my astrologer has told me.  While I do not believe that this IS whats going to happen BECAUSE of something else, I do believe that I can take it in and shape my own path out of what the stars 'say'. 

So far my astologer has been right about the things he has 'predicted', but this just could be because of my subconscious has taken in the information and has manifested it in the physical world.  On the same note, what he has told me about my past in spot on.  This is a little strange since he doesn't know my past.  I've never told him anything about growing up or anything of that sort.  This makes me wonder if the stars do in fact hold more than meets the eye. 

I know that a lot of people consult the stars about relationships among other things, but I don't think they should base their moves off of what the stars say.  The stars are there, to me anyway, as an outline.  You can choose to follow it direct and color within the lines, or you can open a part up and choose to explore what the stars have failed to mention.  What would happen if people lived their lives ONLY according to what is shown to them from above?  Would people be happy?  Would they end up living their lives to the fullest?  Would they be sad because of the things they never knew...or just not care because they are so caught up in coloring within the lines?

I suppose, like anything, it is all perception.  I know people who live their lives according to the stars and they seem to be happy with where they are because of it.  I also know people who consult the stars on certain issues, but only use it as an option...weight to balance.  And then there are runes....but thats another story.  All I'm wondering about is what my astrologer has told me and how spot on he has been.  Should I put any stock in it or...hmm.

standing watching shadows
pass the time
pointing out some possibilities
taking a chance
on a passing thought
making change for gamblers
spending what they don't have
hoping to make something
from a childs eyes
hoping for frequency
like a song playing
dancing in a spotlight
cast from heavens arms
the world turns again
silently driven by dreams
thrown deep into a well
filling the darkness with sunshine
as we stand watching shadows
pass the time
pointing out some possibilites
to cure our curiosity...
------------------------- ------------------------- -----
I wrote this poem late lastnight...or early this morning depending on how you look at it.  This is the first poem I have written in a couple of months that may have some meaning.  Though I am unsure of the exact meaning or structure, I am fairly convinced that it is a happy poem.  I guess what I was trying to convey was a sense of understanding about change...some type of metamorphosis in the day to day life of people constantly wishing to be more while understanding that they are more.  I don't know.  While this is definantly not one of my best nor anywhere close to it, this is an achievement in my eyes because now I know that the Zoloft hasn't completely taken my poetry from me.  Afterall, I am still me.

And some may recognize one line that I stole from a GREAT song.  My favorite song.

What is darkness?  Is it merely an absense of light or is there more to it?  I suppose that there are many interpretations of what darkness is.  Some may see it as merely the absense of light, but others may see it as the beginning of all creation.  Some may say that darkness is internal, while others say it is external.  I say that darkness is the mind while the heart and soul are its source of light.  Its one of those things that is mostly philosophical.  After all, if it weren't then we would once again find ourselves with the dictionary's definition: the absense of light.

This is something I have given a lot of thought in my life.  Since I have dealt with darkness a lot in my life, I had questioned its every essence.  I used to be afraid of the dark until I realized that when I closed my eyes, I was surrounded by it.  Then I realized my ability to create.  My mind was filled with new and interesting things to explore, but the only reason this was so is because of the things I saw and felt.  If I had not experienced something, there would only be darkness.  I would still have my thoughts, but there would be no real substance in those thoughts.  They would be empty, hollow, and filled with darkness.  It didn' t take me long to come to terms with what darkness was and why it was omnipresent within my life...after all, I had a lot of alone time growing up.  I realized one of two things: I could take it the wrong way and be let down, or I could create anything I wanted out of it.  So, I created a nice little life for myself within the darkness.

Now that I am older and have gone through many changes of belief and philosophy, I realize that I still think the same way about darkness.  Only now I do not use it to create my own little world...I don't need that anymore.  I use it as my quiet place.  I go there when I need to sort things out.  Sometimes it can be a little too much to take...since there is more than meets the eye in the dark, but I don't see myself living there anymore.  I have developed a certain kinship with the darkness because of the time I spent there, I have an understanding of what it is and why it is there.  And while I am depressed, confused, and worried...I am still inspired, thoughtful, and insightful.  All of this because I am introspective...I have explored the darkness and I have created from the darkness.  In essence, I am the darkness.  I am also the light.

"The Brothel"

  Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across
the street.

  They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

  Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

  Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
------------------------- ------------------------

"Water to Wine"

  An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

  The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

  "Just water," says the priest.

  The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

  The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
------------------------- ------------------------- --------

Irish Predicament

  Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down, but says nothing.

  The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole Mulvihill just sits there.

  Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

  The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
------------------------- ------------------------- ----

Something to be more than thrilled about!!!!  WOOHOO!!!

One of my really really old friends whom I haven't spoken to since high school found me randomly on MySpace tonite!  Turns out he just joined MySpace about a week ago and was typing in random names when he stumbled across my name and sent a friend request.  I, in turn, checked out his profile and sat there thinking that I knew this guy...but couldn't be sure.  So, I added his AIM sn to my buddy list and voila!

Its crazy because its been so long since we've talked and neither of us thought we'd ever talk again, but things have a way of working out.  Thank god for the internet...thank god for MySpace.

Something to be happy about...its nice for a change.

Today my life changed.  Although I suppose this is true for most days, but today was quite shocking and thought-provoking among other things.  It was also hurtful and worrisom.  And please don't hassle me about my spelling.

Anyway, I suppose I should start with the fact that sleeping has not been...umm...easy?  Thats putting it rather lightly though.  I was able to sleep for 20 minutes at a time lastnight before waking up each time to stare at the clock for another 20 minutes.  Then, at 7am I was awaken by my brother telling me he was going to the hospital because his bloodpressure had gotten too high.  At first, I wanted to just go to sleep until the alarm clock went off, but then my mom came in and told me once again that they were going to the hospital.  I really didn't want to go as I have seen far too many of them and hate the feeling it brings.  My brother came in again and asked me to go...I couldn't turn him down as I need to be somewhat supportive every step of the way.  And as I read that last sentence I think 'there has never been a time I have been unsupportive.'  Thats true, but over the years the support I have offered has caused me to worry about things WAY TOO MUCH.  Anyway, we got to the hospital and they took him in...found out his bloodpressure was 180 over 120.  If you know how bloodpressure is...well, thats FUCKING HIGH!  So, he spoke with the doctor about his drinking problem over the years so they ran some tests...............

My brother has alcoholic hepatitis.  I don't know a whole lot about it, but I know that it can lead to cirrhosis if drinking is not stopped.  So, we have all decided for my brother to go into detox and rehab.  Right now, he is up in his room going through some withdrawls.  Ok, I don't want to talk about that anymore at the moment.

Another thing which really changed my views on my father is what I found out from my mother today...the reason they split-up.  This is something I had never thought about asking either of them for reasons I'm really not quite sure of.  I guess I just thought whatever reasons they had for doing so, it must have been the best decision.  I'm not going to go into full details, but the respect I had spent years developing for him after what happened in Malaysia has once again dropped to almost nothing.  I know that this is happened many years ago and there is nothing anyone can do about it, but it is apparent more than ever how big of a liar my father really is and how little people must mean to him afterall.

This is all very hard for me to understand and reconcile within and without myself, but the Zoloft is keeping any really bad feelings I may have at bay.  I like the fact that is not making me more depressed, but it almost feels as if I should feel more than I do.